5 yr old Tyler and His Gang of Bullies

Five year old Tyler is the oldest of five boys living with his grandmother. The boys, all cousins, are between four and five years old, with less than a year separating the oldest from the youngest.

Tyler is also the largest of the five boys, outweighing Zachary, the youngest, by nearly ten pounds. Tyler regularly pushes and hits the younger boys when his grandmother isn’t looking, and is well-known in the neighborhood for grabbing other children’s toys and hitting them. When his behavior is called to his grandmother’s attention, she scolds him and brings all the boys inside, but they are usually back out playing within half an hour.

Tyler refers to himself as ‘the king of the block’, and expects other children to accept that designation. He often swears at adults and children alike, and encourages his cousins to join him in throwing rocks at windows, buildings and cars. His two favorite targets are 4 year old Nathan, and 10 year old Bobby. Whenever either of the boys comes outside while Tyler is out with his cousins, he and his gang pick up rocks and start chasing them and throwing rocks after them. Nathan quickly learns to offer his favorite toy or candy to deflect the bullying, but Bobby continues to be a target.

For Bobby, it is a difficult situation. Twice the size and age of his bullies, he is helpless against them. If he runs, they chase him with rocks. If he stands his ground, they gather in a circle and pelt him with rocks or take turns hitting him. If he hits back, he gets in trouble for picking on little kids. Things come to a head when Bobby comes home one afternoon with a cut over one eye where a rock had hit him.

Bobby’s mother sits down with him and talks to him about how he reacts when the boys start taunting him. After discussing how anger and running both spur the younger boys on to demonstrate more of their power, she role plays other possible responses with him. She is adamant that if they are throwing rocks at him, his first response should be to walk directly to the nearest adult, and deal with things from there, but in the meantime, the best strategy might be to divide and conquer.

The next time that Bobby sees Zachary outside without Tyler, he approaches him and casually asks him if he’d like to learn a cool trick on the skateboard. By the time the other boys come outside, Zachary has it nearly mastered and is practicing on Bobby’s skateboard. When they clamor for a turn, Bobby calmly responds that he doesn’t teach kids that hurt other kids.

Tyler scoffs, but the other boys gather round, eager to each have a turn practicing the new trick. Tyler stomps off – but is back within minutes, hanging around to watch and finally, grudgingly asking for a turn again, with a promise that he won’t throw rocks anymore. Interestingly, the adults and older boys in the neighborhood who had often told Bobby to ‘just hit one of them and they’ll leave you alone’, also take note of the interaction. One or two compliment Bobby on his skill, and praise the younger boys on their attempts.

The Resolution

Once Bobby stopped reacting like a victim and allowing himself to be provoked by the younger boys, they lost interest in chasing and hurting him. Bobby’s skill at skateboarding made it an area where he feels confident and self-assured, and that attitude made him less attractive as a victim and more attractive as a teacher and role model.

The positive reinforcement from adults and older boys added unexpected support to Bobby’s ploy. Surprisingly, when the gang of boys picks a new victim, Bobby’s assertion that ‘I don’t teach kids who hurt other kids’ and invitation to the new boy to join in is enough to defuse the situation before it becomes a problem.