Over 20 million children witness bullying in their homes. They are the hidden victims.
Research has shown that 30% to 40% of boys identified as bullies in middle school go on to commit criminal acts by the time they’re 24 years old. What about the other 60% to 70%? Many of them become silent bullies – bullies within their own homes. Family bullying is characterized by repeated deliberate acts against a family member or members which is intended to harm, and is marked by an imbalance of power. It can include sexual abuse, intimate partner abuse, child abuse, physical abuse, verbal and emotional abuse, financial abuse, criminal harassment and stalking, spiritual abuse and psychological abuse as well as deliberate neglect. It may target any member of the family, including one or more children, husband, wife or partner, or elders living in the home. Its victims include not only the specific targets of the abuse, but also the others in the home who witness the bullying.
Types of Familial Bullying Physical abuse Physical abuse and violence includes any form of physical harm. Pinching, punching, slapping, kicking, pushing, shoving, hair pulling, striking with an object, twisting limbs, choking and beating. Domestic physical abuse has always been one of the major problems facing law enforcement in most communities. The victims of domestic physical abuse include children, parents, elderly grandparents and parents, husbands, wives, live-in partners and lovers. While it is often assumed that the bully in a domestic abuse situation is the male partner, it may often be the female partner. Children as young as twelve have been known to physically abuse parents, and inter-sibling physical abuse can happen between children of any age.
Psychological Abuse Psychological abuse includes all forms of intimidation using threats, words, isolation, belittling, name-calling and humiliation. Abusive spouses and parents use words and actions to systematically destroy a person’s self-esteem. They may tell them that they are stupid and useless, point out to them that no one else wants them or otherwise undermine their victim’s self-confidence and ability to act on their own. They may make it impossible for their spouse or children to have friends, drive away family and shut down avenues of communication. Extreme possessiveness is characteristic of this type of abuse. The bully goes out of his way to destroy any other relationships that the family has outside the walls of the home. It is, in many ways, akin to the type of programming used by cults to isolate and weaken their members, making them dependent on the cult for everything. The victim may fear having friends because the bully has threatened either them or their friends, or may have learned that any friends he or she has are driven away or belittled. The point for the bully is to isolate their family and make them totally dependent on them.
Women who are immigrants and children are especially vulnerable to this type of abuse. It nearly always goes hand in hand with other types of bullying, and leaves the victims feeling that there is no help for them because the bully controls all communication and has convinced them that no one will believe or help them.
Verbal Abuse Name-calling, belittling and humiliation may or may not be accompanied by other forms of psychological abuse. The bully may shout and threaten his or her victims, or call them names. Sometimes verbal abuse can be subtle, even delivered with seeming affection, as in the mother who frequently tells her daughter that ‘It’s a good thing you’re smart, honey.” Even without adding the unspoken, “Because no one will love you for your looks,” the message is clear. The husband who tells misogynistic jokes and expects his wife to laugh at them and the wife who consistently man-bashes with her friends in her husband’s presence are both guilty of a measure of marital bullying.
The verbal and psychological abuse can be as damaging – if not more damaging – in the long run than physical abuse. Physical abuse at least leaves marks on its victims. There is a chance that someone – a medical worker, a police officer or a family friend – will see and extend a helping hand. When the bullying consists of name-calling, threats and humiliation, it’s far more insidious. Children who are raised in homes where verbal abuse is an accepted method of discipline and communication learn to use belittling, threats and manipulation to get their way. They often become bullies or victims of bullies.
Sexual Abuse Sexual abuse includes unwanted touching, unwelcome comments, forced sexual acts or sex without consent from the partner. The victims may be children, adolescents, spouses – even elderly parents living in the home. Sexual bullying can be as extreme as systematic rape, or as subtle as a sibling or parent making inappropriate sexualized comments to or around children. It is one more way for a bully to control and hold power over his or her victims – in this case, his family. According to one Canadian survey, in one third of the cases of sexual abuse reported to the police that involved a child, the perpetrator of the abuse was a family member, most often a parent.
Financial Abuse One type of bullying that is seldom discussed is financial bullying. The bully may control the purse strings of the family, keeping a tight rein on all expenditures. He or she may require that his or her spouse hand over their paycheck, and handle all the bills and other expenses. The bully may steal from the family, or run up debts on credit cards, destroying their spouses’ credit and making it impossible for the spouse to leave, pay for shelter, or even afford basic necessities.
Spousal Abuse Abuse directed at a spouse affects the entire family. Children who witness one parent abusing another physically, emotionally or sexually are more likely to become involved in violent behavior themselves. The numbers of children who are exposed to spousal abuse are enormous. The statistics speak for themselves: On April 17, 2000, there were 2,281 women and 2,310 children fleeing abuse in Canadian shelters for battered women The majority of children in battered women shelters were under the age of 9 (73%)
It is important to note that bullying is not gender specific. While the vast majority of reported cases of family violence feature male perpetrators, females also commit bullying acts. Women may hit, kick, punch, belittle and humiliate their spouses, but those incidents are seldom reported to police or other authorities in large part because of the stigma attached to being physically assaulted by a woman. The results, however, are no less damaging.
Elder Abuse As our population ages, more and more elders are being cared for in the home by their children and grandchildren. Statistics show that reports of abuse against elders by family members is rising. Elder abuse may include any or all of the above forms of abuse. The bully in the case of elder abuse may be a spouse, child or other family member, or a paid caretaker. Financial abuse, intimidation and threats are common. One form of bullying/abuse that is more common when the victim is an elder is the withholding of needed medications or medical care.
What to Do If There Is Bullying In Your Family As in any other type of bullying, the first priority is to make sure that everyone is physically safe. There are many resources available to help the victims of domestic bullying and violence ranging from hot lines and counseling services to safe houses where families trying to flee domestic violence can stay in safety. It’s not always easy to break away, though. The following steps can help break the cycle of bullying in your family.
Stop the name-calling and verbal abuse. If you use names to hurt people, or yell at your children, stop. They are learning from your behavior and are likely to use the same tactics and behaviors to get what they want. If you are being verbally abused, remember that it is NOT your fault. You are not too sensitive, or taking things the wrong way. If someone is using words to make you think less of yourself, then they are the ones with the problem. Break the silence. If you don’t have a trusted friend who will listen to you without blaming you, find a support group for others having the same problem. You can find them through churches, civic groups, social services offices, online, at the YMCA or YWCA and in many other places. It is important for you to realize that you are not alone, and you are not at fault. Seek counseling – not only for yourself, but for your family. Group counseling can help your whole family learn other ways of communicating with each other without using words to hurt. Even if the abusive member of the family refuses to attend, counseling can help support and teach other members of the family different ways of reacting to it. Record the abuse. Write down what happened, what was said and done, and what actions you took. Include the date and time and witnesses. Be aware that bullying and domestic violence escalate. If you are a victim of domestic abuse, you should have a safety plan to get away if you need to. Avoid arguments with the bully in areas where there are weapons. Know the phone number of a local shelter or abuse hotline. Pack a ‘survival kit’ and leave it with a trusted friend or relative. It should include cab fare, a change of clothes, important papers like birth certificates for yourself and your children, passports, checkbook, protection orders, insurance information and cards and papers identifying jointly owned assets. If you need to flee, you’ll have what you need to survive.
Help Stop Familial Bullying Just like taking steps against school bullying, stopping familial and domestic bullying requires an effort by the entire community. This is not a feminist issue, though some would have you believe it is. It is a humanist issue – it doesn’t hurt only women, it hurts us all. Each person in the community can help stop domestic violence and family bullying by: Calling the police if you hear or witness it Speak out against domestic violence publicly and openly Reach out to support someone that you believe is being bullied or abused. Encourage your neighborhood watch to be as concerned about domestic violence and bullying as it is about other crimes. Invite speakers on bullying and family violence to speak at your church or other group. Support the victim. Remember that someone who has been systematically bullied with words and physical actions needs to know that she is worth more than that. Things you can say to someone you think is being abused include, “I am afraid for you.” “I worry about you and your children.” “I’m here if you need me.” “Let’s make a safety plan.” “It is not your fault.”
How Communities Can Help Encourage individuals to report family violence. Educate all social workers and police officers to understand and work with those who are being bullied in their homes. Fund shelters adequately. Advocate for legal services and assistance to all victims of familial bullying, especially those in immigrant or marginalized populations.
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Bully Solutions
