Family Bully – Anne Marie, 34

Anne Marie is the mother of two children, Annie, 6, and Jimmy, 9. Her husband, Andy, is a stockbroker who is highly regarded in the community. He is known for his sense of humor and friendly demeanor. At home, however, he is a far different person. In his eyes, Anne Marie can never get anything right, and he tells her so frequently.

If dinner isn’t on the table when he expects it, he calls her names and yells at her. Once when there was too much salt in the soup, he picked up the bowl and threw it at her. He frequently calls her stupid and useless, even in front of the children. Taking their cue from their father, Jimmy and Annie have started speaking rudely to their mother as well.

Andy had insisted that Anne Marie quit work when they married, despite the fact that she was a skilled nurse. He monitors her use of the car, and allows her to fill the gas tank once a week. He regularly checks the mileage, and questions her if it seems that she has driven more than he expects – to and from school, to the supermarket and the mall.

Though Anne Marie had been quite popular with coworkers, by the time she’d been married to Andy for six months, she’d lost touch with all her old friends because Andy didn’t like them. At 34, she has never had her own bank account, has no credit cards in her name, and is completely dependent on Andy for everything. The only time she has ever stood up to him was over a new job she was offered – she was determined to take it, and after storming and swearing for hours, Andy finally agreed that she could – provided she was home in time to cook dinner every night, and the new job didn’t interfere with his expectations of her in any way.

Six months into the job, most of Anne Marie’s coworkers consider her friendly, sweet and a bit scatter-brained. She frequently makes statements like, “Oh, I can’t have pizza. Andy will buy me any clothes I want as long as I stay a size five.” One day she gives a coworker a ride home to the other side of the city. The next day, Anne Marie comes to work wearing a scarf.

When it slips, Diane, the coworker, notices the bruises around her throat. Concerned, she makes a point of finding private time to speak with Anne Marie, and learns from her that Andy had checked the mileage on her car when she got home the night before and become enraged when she insisted that all she’d done was drive a coworker home. He was certain she’d gone to see another man.

Anne Marie confessed that Andy had hit her ‘once or twice’ in the past few years, but mostly, he is a good husband. She just can’t seem to live up to all the things that a good wife should do, no matter how hard she tries.

Diane expresses outrage at the treatment. She offers to call Andy and explain that Anne Marie had driven her home the night before, but Anne Marie tells her that it will just make things worse. Over the next several weeks, Diane makes a point of complimenting Anne Marie on her work and pointing out all her good qualities.

She talks to Anne Marie about her rights – especially her right not to live in fear of triggering Andy’s anger. When she suggests to Anne Marie that the woman should start building a little savings account ‘in case she ever needs it’, Anne Marie confesses to her that she has never even cashed a paycheck and doesn’t know how to open a bank account. Rather than expressing shock, Diane goes with Anne Marie as ‘moral support’. She does other little things as well, like leaving the hot line number for a local shelter on Anne Marie’s desk and encouraging her to believe in her own abilities.

The Outcome

Encouraged and supported by Diane, Anne Marie joins a woman’s support group and begins making friends and contacts who help counter the negative self image that Andy had impressed upon her. Andy responds with increasing abuse, but Anne Marie knows where to turn for help now. When Andy hits her, Anne Marie calls the police who remove him from the house.

The next morning, she asks Diane to go with her to file a request for a restraining order keeping Andy away from her. Since then, Andy has entered counseling as recommended by the women’s shelter and is making efforts to counter his own bullying and abusive tendencies. Anne Marie and the children attend weekly family counseling and are starting to rebuild their self esteem and learn healthy ways of communicating.