Is Your Child A Bully?

One of the hardest things for many parents to face is the suspicion that their child may be a bully. It’s far easier to justify behaviors and warning signs as signs of a powerful personality, or to believe that your child is just ‘going through a phase’. Unfortunately, research tends to say otherwise. Children identified as bullies in primary and middle grades most often were still seen as bullies in high school and beyond. Boys who bully often grow up to become abusive or bullying spouses, and are far more likely to have committed at least one violent crime by the time they’re 24 years old. Some of the warning signs that your child may be bullying others are:

Preschool and Primary Grades

• Hits others to get toys that he wants

• Threatens others either verbally or with aggressive posturing

• Is often angry or aggressive toward others

• Pushes others out of the way

• For girls mostly – but boys as well – threatens to stop being friends with others if he can’t have his way

• Engages others to help him bully someone who has something that he wants

The Middle Years – 4^th-8^th Grade

• Seems to get into fights or physical conflicts often

• Often has money or things that he can’t explain

• Boasts of beating others up

• Acts tough and swaggers

• Exhibits a lack of empathy for others

• Expresses contempt for weakness

• Expresses a feeling of entitlement – I deserve this rather than I earned this

• Blames others for his own misbehavior, i.e. – he made me hit him

• Is very concerned with social status (for girls in particular, but boys are starting to notice as well by this age)

• May hang out with other tough kids

High School

• May tease (repeatedly) in nasty ways, taunt, intimidate, threaten, ridicule, hit, and damage belongings of other students; this may be displayed toward many children, but typically they select in particular weaker and relatively defenseless students as their targets. Also, many bullies induce some of their followers to do the "dirty work" while they themselves keep in the background

• May be physically stronger than their classmates and their victims in particular; may be the same age as or somewhat older than their victims; are physically effective in play activities, sports, and fights (applies particularly to boys)

• May have strong needs to dominate and subdue other students, to assert themselves with power and threat, and to get their own way; they may brag about their actual or imagined superiority.

• May be hot tempered, easily angered, impulsive, and have low frustration tolerance; they have difficulty conforming to rules and tolerating adversities and delays, and may try to gain advantage by cheating

• May be generally oppositional, defiant, and aggressive toward adults, and may be frightening to adults (depending on the age and physical strength of the young person); are generally good at "talking themselves out of" difficult situations.

• May be seen as being tough, hardened, and may show little empathy with students who are victimized

• Are often not anxious or insecure and they typically have a relatively positive view of themselves (average or better than average self esteem)

• May engage in other antisocial behaviors at a relatively early age

• May be average, above or below average in popularity, but often have support from at least a small number of peers; in junior high, bullies are likely to be less popular than in primary school¹