Keep Your Child From Bullying

Raising Children Who Are Not Bullies

The research on the causes of bullying is not kind to parents. Various studies and surveys have stated that bullies

• have parents who are inconsistent in their discipline

• have parents who are poor role models for dealing with difficult social situations

• may witness bullying at home

• have parents who are poor role models for appropriate social interaction

The key to raising children who do not bully others is consistent, firm, loving discipline from early childhood. How you handle your child’s early interactions with peers can set the tone for their later relationships. It is important when you see a child of ANY age engaging in bullying behavior to STOP THEM IMMEDIATELY, without anger or threatening.

For example:

Jenny is playing with a shovel in the sandbox. Your three year old son Johnny walks over to Jenny and demands, “Gimme!” When Jenny doesn’t immediately hand the shovel over, Johnny kicks her, grabs the shovel and turns to start digging with it, content that he has got the shovel he wanted.

Your reaction:

Firmly but calmly remove Johnny from the sandbox and state, “We do not hurt other people to get what we want.” Take the shovel away and give it back to Jenny. Keep the time out from the sandbox short for a first offense, and if it’s appropriate, coach Johnny to ask for the shovel more appropriately.

Reacting calmly, firmly and without anger to bullying incidents that involve your child as the aggressor will quickly teach them appropriate ways of interacting without using aggression to get what they want.

The same tactic can work on social bullying. By identifying a behavior as hurtful, and giving a child a more appropriate behavior that has the same effect, you empower them to get what they need without bullying.

For example:

Your five year old daughter Bethany tells another child in your hearing, “If you don’t give me that, you can’t come to my birthday party.”

When Your Child Is A Bully

The phone rings and it’s the guidance counselor at your child’s school with shocking news. It seems that your child has been involved in bullying another child. How you react now could make all the difference in whether or not your child gets the help that he or she needs to get past the bullying behavior and learn to react in more appropriate ways.

First, remember that it’s natural to feel defensive. Being told that your child is a bully strikes at your basic assumptions that you are raising a good child. There is enough research out there that lays the blame for raising bullies on poor parenting that the charge that your child is bullying others can feel as if you’re being indicted as a bad parent. Instead of exploding, take a deep breath, step back and consider how your reaction will affect your child. You may have a greater impact if you express disappointment rather than anger to your child. There are a number of things that you can and should do.

Express your disapproval of the child’s aggressive actions calmly and without anger. Because bullying can stem from unhappiness or insecurity, it’s important to find out if something is bothering your child. You can get your child to open up and communicate with specific questions rather than ‘Is something bothering you?’ Instead, ask:

• How do you think things are going at school and at home?

• Are you being bullied?

• Do you get along with other kids at school?

• How do you get what you want at school?

• What do you think of other kids in your school?

• Why do you think you're bullying?

• What might help you to stop bullying?

• Has this happened before?

The answers to those questions can help you gauge your follow up. For example, children who bully often have problems controlling their anger, or see other children’s behavior as aggressive and threatening to them. Counseling may help a child with an anger problem learn how to handle his anger and impulsivity. A child with Attention Deficit Disorder may stop bullying when he gets appropriate treatment for his disorder, and a child who has trouble interpreting social cues may learn to see that other children are not behaving aggressively toward him.