Portrait of a Bully

Who Bullies?

If you asked students and teachers to describe the typical bully, most would describe a boy who is physically aggressive to younger and smaller students. Chances are that they would paint a picture of a boy who is disliked by most of his peers, and has a difficult home life. Because he has no power at home, he takes his anger and aggression out on smaller, weaker peers at school.

This popular vision of a bully has been set out so often in books and movies that it is commonly accepted. Research into bullying, however, has found that the typical bully does not fit the common concept at all. Today’s bully is just as likely to be the most popular girl in the class as the scruffy, poor kid who is taking out his anger on weaker students.

Rather than having low self-esteem, say researchers, bullies often have higher self esteem than their peers. They are not marginalized children who have no friends. They are more likely to be the center of their social circles.

Among the characteristics shared by many bullies:

• …have a quick temper. Children and adults who bully tend to react with anger and aggressiveness quickly.

• …show a sense of entitlement. Bullies believe that they have a right to the best seat, the last piece of cake or your undivided attention.

• …are bigger, stronger and older than their peers – at least when it comes to those who bully physically. Relational bullies often have excellent perception into people’s motives and desires, and those who bully with words and teasing may be very good with words. In any case, a bully chooses a way of bullying that matches his or her strengths and puts others at a disadvantage – which can be a key in reaching him or her and helping them use those strengths for positive interactions.

• …are seeking power over others. For most bullies, power is their primary motivator. They use their strengths to make people do what they want them to do. Admirers are both a tool to help enforce their power, and proof of their power, but few bullies behave as they do simply for attention from other students.

• …are often modeling behavior that they see in the home. They may have learned to get what they want by bullying siblings, or be bullied by siblings or parents.

• …are very aware that their behavior hurts others.

Those facts, however, don’t necessarily make it easier to spot bullying when it is going on, or determine exactly who the bully is in a situation. For that, despite all the research, you really have to trust observation and instinct.

Some of these warning signs are obvious. Some are more subtle. None of them, on their own, marks a child as a bully, but many are clues that there may be a problem. I use the word student in this list, but the problem may exist in a youth group, a neighborhood, a workplace or in your own family.

• Other children, or another child, seem frightened of one student/sibling.

• There is one student who always seems to do the talking for an entire group.

• Many of the children seem to naturally defer to one particular student/child.

• Another student reports to you that they are being picked on or bullied by another child or children.

• A student reports to you that another child is being bullied by another child or group of children.

• You frequently find a child crying or upset by things that have been said to him.

• Students openly or subtly ridicule answers or contributions by others in the class.

• One student is consistently injured during incidents that are characterized as ‘just horsing around’.

• You overhear teasing and unkind comments consistently from one child or group of children.

When you learn to recognize the signs that a child is bullying other children, you are taking the first steps toward helping not only the bully, but his or her victims. The end result is a school that feels safer to everyone in it, both children and adults.