Sibling Bullying

Sibling bullying is often seen as ‘just the way kids are’. Children within a family may threaten, physically harm and psychologically abuse each other.

There may be one child who bullies the others, or one child who is the scapegoat, or the children may all engage in bullying, name-calling and threats. It is not sibling rivalry – it is not an attempt by your children to garner more of your attention than the other children get. It is, pure and simple, one child exerting power over another.

How do you tell the difference between normal sibling squabbles and a situation where one child is bullying his sibling or siblings?

• The bully is larger, smarter or has some sort of hold over his or her siblings. That ‘hold’ may be being your ‘favorite’.

• One child is consistently on the receiving end of the abuse – or conversely, one child is NEVER on the receiving end.

• One child makes threats of violence toward another.

• One child hits, pushes, shoves, kicks or otherwise physically abuses the others to get his way.

• One child consistently taunts, belittles or makes fun of the others.

Allowing siblings to bully one another teaches them ways of relating to others that will be harmful to them. Research suggests that children who are identified as bullies in school are often modeling behavior they have seen in the home, and that includes bullying by a sibling.

Teaching your children not to bully each other is important because children model in other places what they learn at home. A child who witnesses bullying in the home is likely to bully others outside the home.

While this will get him in trouble in the short run, the long-term consequences are far worse. Studies show that boys who were identified by their classmates as bullies had a 60% chance of being convicted of a crime by the time they’re 24, and a 40% chance of being convicted of three or more crimes by the time they’re 30 years old. They are more likely to bully coworkers and family members as adults as well.

The bullied sibling doesn’t fare far better. He is more prone to depression, self esteem issues, psychological problems, suicide and stress related illnesses – not just while being bullied but throughout his life.

Why Siblings Bully Each Other

Brothers and sisters are closer to each other than they are to nearly anyone else in the world. No one knows better than a brother or sister how to aggravate and annoy a brother or sister. Some amount of fighting and conflict is inevitable, but if one of your children is consistently being hurt, or spending time crying because of name-calling, teasing or taunting by the other, things have moved beyond sibling conflict and into sibling bullying.

It’s a popular belief that siblings bully each other to get your attention. While that may account for sibling rivalry and tattling, bullying arises from an enjoyment of having power over another person. A sibling may bully his or her brother or sister to get out of doing his chores, to get a toy that his brother has that he wants, or out of enjoyment at making his brother or sister miserable.

He or she may also bully to get his brother or sister to do things for him, or keep a secret for him. The main components of bullying as opposed to sibling rivalry are that the bully’s actions are intended to hurt or humiliate the victim, they continue over a period of time and they are characterized by an imbalance of power where the bully is stronger, older or smarter than the victim. If that describes the situation at your house, then you have a bully on your hands.

Combating Sibling Bullying

In combating sibling bullying, always keep in mind that you have two children who need your help. One needs your protection from the other, and the other needs to be taught how to handle social interactions appropriately. It’s also important to realize that if you’ve been ignoring bullying because you thought it was just normal kids’ stuff, it may take some time to get everyone back on the right track.

The single key ingredient is applying a set of firm rules consistently. You MUST stop the bullying whenever you see it.

1. Sit down the entire family and explain that you are seeing behaviors that you feel are wrong. Talk to them frankly about bullying and the fact that it’s harmful and hurts the entire family. Make it clear that from now on, the family home is a no bullying zone.

2. Lay down clear ground rules and make them specific. No name-calling. No hitting each other. No pushing or shoving. No taunting or destroying each others’ property – whatever behavior you’ve seen that worries you.

3. State consequences for breaking the no bullying rules. Make sure that they’re consequences you can enforce.

4. Now when you see any of the behaviors on the list, step in immediately, state what you saw (Johnny, I just heard you call your brother blubbolard. Name-calling is not allowed in this house.), and the consequence (That means that you owe the Name Jar 25 cents.).

5. At the same time, keep your eye out for appropriate behavior. When you see the reforming bully helping his younger brother with homework, comment on it. Tell him that you’re happy to see him treating his brother so well.

6. Reward good behavior intermittently. This is a key concept. Impose consequences for breaking rules consistently and without fail. Good behavior, however, calls for intermittent reinforcement. Start out rewarding it every time you see it – but as time goes on, fade out rewards slowly until the good behavior becomes its own reward.