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 Several years ago, well known singer and actress Bette Midler was asked in an interview if there was anything in her life that she regretted.
In a voice that became increasingly choked with emotion, she described an incident she recalled from high school. While a teacher was out of the room, she related, several classmates surrounded a shy, quiet boy and forced him into a closet, locking him in. When the teacher returned to the room, the boy, humiliated and used to being targeted by bullies, did nothing to alert her – and by the time class was finished, no one remembered to let him out of the closet. He was found and released after school ended by a school custodian. With tears streaming down her face, the Divine Miss M went on to tell the audience that the unfortunate victim had gone home that night and hung himself. Over twenty years had passed since that day, and Bette Midler had become a household name – but she still could not speak of the incident without becoming so choked up that the host of the show cut to a commercial to give her time to compose herself. To this day, she said, she feels guilty for having stood by and allowed the boy to be bullied. To this day, she wonders if speaking up might have saved his life.
Miss Midler’s story is extreme, but the feelings of guilt that she carries are far from rare. She is one of millions of ‘bystanders’ who still feel twinges of guilt for having contributed to the victimization of a classmate, if only by not speaking up. She is also a clear demonstration that the effects of bullying touch everyone who encounters a bully – whether they are victims, accomplices or merely silent witnesses.
Something Horrible – Victims Look Back In 2001, the popular product review web site DooYoo.com asked the question, “Is bullying in school really a problem, or is it just ‘kids being kids’?” In the years since then, nearly 200 adults have taken the time to write their opinion on the subject. Hundreds more recorded their own experiences and feelings about bullying in responses and comments on the opinions. Many of them wrote about how the experience of being bullied has affected their lives since leaving school. In their own words, these are the memories of adults who were bullied during their school years.
I have no doubt that had I been taken out of school and taught at home, I would not have had half the problems I have had to battle with over the past few years. I’ve seen endless counselors, therapists, and so on and I still battle with this enormous rage inside me towards my parents, the teachers, the bullies themselves. At the moment, I feel that I don’t want to have children, because I had such a miserable childhood, and still feel I have a lot of issues to sort out myself before I can contemplate motherhood…
I felt myself going from one emotion to the next, crying, laughing, shaking, feeling sick. Until that point in my life I had never put together all the things that had happened to me, the way my personality was, with the fact that it was because I was bullied as a child. I decided after watching the show that I wasn't going to put up with this anymore, I wasn't going to let them keep bullying me at the age of 30. That's right, it's taken me 14 years to get to this point, 14 years to realize that I didn't leave the effects of my bullying at the school gates. (http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/discussion/bullying-in-schools/305834/)
I have never forgotten what happened and although it doesn’t give me nightmares any more, it still plays in my subconscious whenever I am put in a situation I don't like. Just recently my friend was being set upon outside a nightclub and I should've helped. Instead I froze, the memories all coming back. I don’t like large groups being anywhere near me, preferring instead to sit inside and watch TV with my girlfriend. It's scarred me permanently, although it hasn’t totally ruined my life. I keep my close friends close and everyone else as far away as I can manage. It's the only way I can feel safe. http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/discussion/bullying-in-schools/262271/
Adults who were bullied as children often refer to their school years as ‘horrible’, a ‘living hell’ and ‘the darkest days of my life’. Many of those who wrote about their experiences as victims of bullying made reference to how difficult it still is to tell others of how badly they were treated. One, who calls himself Jay, starts off his essay with these words:
“OK, first things first, I’m not going to lie here, I feel very uneasy about writing this, not only because it will open up some very painful memory’s(sic), I’m probably going to write things which I have never told my friends, some of them who are on (this site).
There is a tone to that opening that suggests something that has not been covered in all the research into bullying to date, except tangentially. While the memories of bullying remain fresh and painful well into adulthood, they become a shameful secret for the bullied child – something he or she does not share with others. It becomes doubly painful – not only do the victims of bullies carry the emotional scars of having been bullied, they also bear the shame of having been the kind of child who is bullied by others.
Children who are bullied grow into adults who still live with the pain and shame. Many are fueled by anger and bitterness, not only toward their bullies but toward the teachers and their parents, and toward the entire world that allowed them to be bullied.
Clinical data bears out the words of the victims. According to numerous studies, children who were bullied often have social problems as adults. A British study found that at age 30, children who were bullied are:
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less likely to have a partner less likely to have a degree more likely to be depressed more likely to report being lonely more likely to report higher levels of emotional distress less likely to have close or intimate friends more likely to be introverted and reserved
These statistics are extrapolated to suggest that being the victim of bullying can adversely affect the ability of a former bullying victim to hold a good job, maintain intimate relationships and pursue higher education. Other surveys have shown that these results may even be a bit understated. The Kidscape survey on the long-term effects of bullying studied over 1000 adults. Of those responding, 828 were bullied as children. The opening remarks to the survey’s interpretation state bluntly, “…being badly bullied as a child has a dramatic, negative effect throughout life.” An overview of the results show that:
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The majority of students who were bullied left school without graduating. 40% of those who were bullied said that it affected their plans for continuing education. Women reported feeling afraid of new situations, and inability to trust. Men reported feeling afraid of new situations, inability to trust, inability to communicate meaningfully with others, being shy and being a loner. 43% of those who were bullied report very low self esteem
Many of those who completed the survey attached personal commentary. They report feeling the effects of the bullying years after the bullying has ended. Two statements quoted in the survey overview are especially dramatic. One, from a 68 year old woman who was bullied in school, said, “The bullying has left me with severe depression and agoraphobia. I am afraid of anything new, and most people would consider me a recluse. They are probably right.” A 68 year old man reported, “I am hypersensitive and raw to slights. I am constantly on the lookout for criticism and have the mentality of a perpetual victim. It is as if I am still waiting for those bullies to come around the corner…” For these two, who are representative of many others, the effects of being bullied have completely altered their lives. After fifty years, they are still hiding from bullies.
Statements such as those leave no doubt that the effects of bullying last a lifetime. Those effects include low self-esteem, fear of crowds, nightmares, depression and stress when dealing with new situations. Many, forced out of school to escape bullying, never complete their education and end up in low-paying jobs, or unemployed.
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Bully Solutions
