Overview Until recently, most adults believed that boys are more aggressive and violent than girls. Because bullying was often defined on ‘male terms’ that included confrontational and direct acts of aggression such as name-calling and hitting, girls were seldom included in the ranks of the bullies. When they were, they were seen as an aberration – aggressive girls are not the norm. Check out this new article on girls bullying by Adam Blum on his bullying blog.
Since the late 1980s and early 1990s, however, the definition of bullying has broadened to become more inclusive. As child development experts began to recognize the harm that arises from relentless teasing and social exclusion, a new term was coined – “relational aggression”. The current definition of bullying includes:
acts of physical and verbal assault, intimidation and threats exclusion of a child from activities and social groups by peers the intent to harm or hurt another with words, looks or actions a difference in status between the bully and the target
Under this definition, researchers and educators have realigned their thoughts on the effects of girls bullying on each other and on the atmosphere of the school. Researchers agree on several truths about bullying by girls:
Girls who bully are usually among the more popular girls in any class. Girls engage in more ‘covert’ bullying than overt aggression It’s more difficult to identify and address the kind of bullying that’s most common in girls. The kind of social exclusion, teasing and taunting that is engaged in by girl bullies can have long-term disastrous effects on both the bullies and other girls who are drawn into the bullying behaviors.
How Girls Bully Girls seldom engage in overt, obvious acts of physical aggression. Instead, when they turn to bullying each other, they tend to choose indirect methods such as shunning, ignoring, gossiping and spreading rumors about other girls. Teachers in classrooms may notice a group of girls snickering or exchanging looks whenever a particular student speaks up or is singled out by the teacher for attention, for example.
Researchers at the University of Minnesota defined three different kinds of aggression used by girls in bullying each other – relational aggression, indirect aggression and social aggression. Part of the difficulty with identifying bullying in girls is that so often, the bullying incidents masquerade as something else. ‘Do it or I won’t be your friend” is peer pressure. Spreading gossip is innocent misunderstanding or sharing secrets, and social aggression is immaturity – or just ‘girl stuff’. Like boys horsing around, girls being mean to each other is seen as normal developing behavior.
Girls use relationships to bully each other. This starts as early as preschool, when a girl realizes the power of ‘I won’t be your friend anymore’. Friendships are very important to young girls – they are the measure by which most girls evaluate themselves. By third grade, the esteem and friendship of peers is nearly as important to girls as that of their families, and is more important than that of their teachers. When a girl threatens others with removing her friendship, she is wielding one of the most powerful weapons at her disposal. By threatening to withhold friendship and approval from other girls, she can effectively control a group of friends.
Often, girls who have learned that bullying benefits them will turn their attention on girls that they see as a threat. When that happens, particularly if the girl is good at getting others to go along with her, the unfortunate victim can find herself completely isolated and unsupported. Imagine showing up at work one day to find that no one will speak to you, but everyone is looking at you with contempt and disgust. Those are the kinds of tactics that the victims of bullying girls are subjected to.
Among the tactics that girls may use in victimizing another student are:
Another difference between girls bullying and boys bullying is in the chosen targets of bullies. Boys usually choose a boy or girl that they dislike. The target is often unpopular and different in some way – the type of child most people imagine when they hear the word ‘bullied child’. Girls, says author Rachel Simmons1, target others with whom they have an unresolved conflict, or who they perceive to be a threat. The chosen target may find herself the target of relentless taunts, death threats by cell phone or instant messenger and far more insidious behaviors. She may find that there is no longer a place for her at any lunch table, or that she is always left off invitations to parties and social events. She may be snickered at every time she tries to talk, or be targeted for seemingly minor pranks or jokes. A girl seen talking with another’s boyfriend may find her locker vandalized with graffiti branding her a whore or a slut. She may become the subject of vicious, untrue rumors that affect how others see her and treat her.
While these may seem minor compared to a black eye or a broken arm, the social exclusion and constant taunting and teasing can have effects that bring women to tears twenty years later. To an insecure, uncertain teenager, the effects of being ostracized, ridiculed and harassed can sometimes be so great that they’d rather die than face one more day of it. And tragically, some of them do. While there are few statistics that relate teen suicide to bullying victimization, there are far too many examples of children pushed too far to endure any more.
While most researchers conclude that girls are far less likely to engage in actual physical bullying, there have been cases where girls have physically assaulted and beaten other girls, and even murdered them as the end result of something that started as bullying. These are the extreme, but I include the mention of such violent incidents because I believe that it’s dangerous to make the assumption that girls do NOT bully each other physically. In Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression In Girls, author Rachel Simmons asks a class of sixth grade girls about the tactics that they use to bully each other. The girls’ responses are an eye opener to those who believe that girls don’t get physical with each other.
Walk down the hallway and slam into a girl-the teacher thinks you're distracted! Knock a girl's book off a desk-the teacher thinks it fell! Write an anonymous note! Draw a mean picture! Roll your eyes! Send an instant message with a new username! Steal a boyfriend! Start a rumor! Tell the teacher she cheated! "You step on their shoe. Oops! Sorry!" "You walk past someone and you try to bump them. You say, 'Excuse you!'
Explains one of the girls, "The teacher says she didn't mean it, she just bumped into her," Melanie explained, "but the girls, they know what it is because it happens so much."2
Why Girls Bully One author commented, “Boys bully to achieve status. Girls bully to protect it.” This statement seems to fit with what surveys of girls ages 6 to 18 have told researchers. The reasons commonly given for girls bullying include:
Assert power, dominance or control over others3 Preserve or protect their friendships Retaliation for perceived slights Competition for attention from important people Desire to fit in Preserve their image
While most studies on girls bullying have focused on school age girls, there are a few that started following girls as young as 3 or 4 years of age in preschool. That, say researchers, is where they see the seeds of relational bullying in the girl who says, “Give me that toy or I won’t be your friend anymore.” It’s a powerful amount of control for a little girl, to affect another child’s behavior with a threat to stop being a friend. When it expands to ‘If you talk to her, I won’t be your friend,” the budding ‘queen bee’ finds that she can now control more than one person with her demands and threats. The more powerful she perceives her position, the more fiercely she will defend it.
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