Sinking Fast at School: How to Help Your Child Stay Afloat

Is your child failing in school? Maybe he started out full of enthusiasm, but now his grades are slipping, his attitude is bad and he seems to be falling through the cracks. If your child has hit a slump midway through the school year, you are not alone. James Lehman has some advice for you today on what you can do now to get your child back on track.

Your child might feel as if he’s fallen into a hole and doesn’t know how to climb back out.

Many kids lose steam by the time the middle of the school year arrives. It’s very common for children and teens to get back to school after the holidays and hit a slump. Remember, kids are kids: their attention span is short, they're impulsive and it can be difficult for them to focus. It's easy for children to lose energy, and when that happens, a kind of lethargy can set in.

If your child has a learning disability, or performance or behavior problems, this issue becomes magnified. Your child might feel as if he’s fallen into a hole and doesn’t know how to climb back out. (That hole can be caused by missed work, not understanding certain concepts at school, or social problems, among other things.) When your child is in that hole, it’s easy for him to become demoralized, act out more or withdraw emotionally. Often, he won’t ask for help even though he desperately needs it, and soon you’ll see his output start to slow down.

Although this can occur with any child, make no mistake, for kids with behavior problems or learning disabilities, this is a very serious challenge to their stability for the rest of the school year. As a parent, it’s very important for you to address the problem quickly and get your child back on track before he becomes completely derailed.

By the way, while grades usually go down in a gradual slide, if your child’s performance deteriorates suddenly, it’s important for you to realize that something major may be happening, whether it’s substance abuse, bullying, or an equally serious issue. If your child’s grades drop off suddenly, that's a signal to have him assessed by a professional.

My Child’s Attitude is Going Downhill—Along with His Grades
You should be very concerned if you notice your child’s attitude has changed for the worse along with his falling grades. When a child's attitude becomes bad, you can safely assume certain things may be going on:

• There may be a problem he's not talking about.
• He may be doing something that he doesn't want anyone to know about.
• He may be getting deeper into trouble without help.

Again, kids cannot climb out of that hole on their own—they simply don't know how. In fact, a lot of adults don’t either; people get themselves into emotional holes all the time in life. In my opinion, the idea that everyone should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps is misleading. Few indeed are equipped to do that—least of all, kids.

Falling through the Cracks Academically
Sometimes kids fall through the cracks at school because they’re having a hard time academically. Suddenly, the work becomes too challenging, and their classmates seem to pull ahead while they’re still trying to understand a certain concept. Their attitude may worsen because they really can't do the work. And it's easy to fall through the cracks nowadays—and by the way, those cracks are huge—because of tightening school budgets and other major problems schools are facing.

As a parent, you really need to have a good understanding of what your child is capable of doing. Remember, we want to challenge our kids but we don't want them to simply learn how to give up. If your child truly can't do the work, then your job is to get in there and challenge the teacher and the school to give your child work at his level—or get him placed in the right class. Parents should also be aware of those subjects, like algebra, where if you miss one core concept, you may be in trouble for the rest of the school year.

Try to be as objective as possible. I urge parents to be very, very careful when trying to accurately assess their child’s abilities. There's a concept called “learned helplessness”—where people learn that if they act helpless, somebody else will do it for them. Above all, we don't want to foster that response in our kids. Truly understanding what your child’s level is can be very tricky, which is why I recommend getting some outside help when you do it.

Here are some things I recommend parents do to get their kids back on track when they’re sinking under the waves at school:

Get an Assessment
If your child’s grades have fallen suddenly, the first thing I’d suggest is to have them assessed by a professional. If a kid's grades go from an “A” to a “D,” that usually doesn't happen in isolation. There will be other signs, red flags that will tell you that something's going on. You might notice that your child has stopped doing the sports that he used to love, or that he’s hanging around with different friends, for example. Start by taking your child to his pediatrician and getting a recommendation for a professional therapist to rule out substance abuse, depression, clinical anxiety or other factors that may be affecting his performance and outlook.

Helping Your Child Manage His Schoolwork
If you’ve noticed your child’s grades are suffering, it’s critical that you put more effort into helping him manage his homework. I know it’s not always easy—everyone is tired at the end of the day, and parents work hard and want to relax, too. Sometimes your child will act as if he doesn’t want you coming into his room, but check in anyway to see how things are going. Don’t assume he understands everything on his own, even if he tells you he’s fine.

Kids need structure and supervision, and they need somebody looking in on them who will hold them accountable. If your child’s grades start sliding, don’t let him do his homework in his room by himself with the door closed and the music on. That's simply got to stop. The door stays open, the music stays off, and you should be looking in on him every fifteen minutes or so. The goal is to keep him on track.

Talk to Your Child’s Teachers
Parents should be talking to teachers about the subjects and areas where their child is having problems. Schedule a time to meet and find out what's going on in class. In my experience, teachers can often be very helpful in telling you what they’ve observed.

Tell the teacher what you see at home, and then ask what they see happening in their classroom. Some questions for you to ask are:

• Has participation dropped off?
• Is my child sitting with different kids? Who is he hanging out with?
• Is my child just tired and bored, or is he overwhelmed by the work?
• Have you seen a change in his attitude or performance? And how would you describe that change?

If your child's grades start to fall in one specific subject, find out what extra help is available from the school. He should start to focus more on that subject in the evenings at home. Hold him accountable to do a certain amount of work. And work with his teachers, guidance counselors and the school as much as possible. The better your communication is with them, the more it will help your child.

Ask “What” Questions, Not “Why” Questions When You Talk with Your Child
I think it’s a good idea to sit down and have a talk with your child when you realize he’s struggling at school. You can say, “I notice that things are going downhill and I'm wondering what's going on.” Ask “what” questions, not “why” questions. “Why” questions invite your child to make excuses—to blame someone or something for his problems. “What” questions ask your child to report the facts. So it’s not, “Why are you doing poorly at school?” it’s, “What’s going on?”

You can also tell your child what you’ve observed: “I see your grades failing, I see you being more irritable. You don't want to get out of bed in the morning. You're getting detention for silly things in school, like talking out of turn. These are the things I'm seeing and I’m wondering what's going on.” If your child denies that anything is happening, say, “What are you going to do to improve your grades?” Listen to see if he has any ideas. By the way, you should already have a plan that says, “We're going to be checking on your homework more and we want you putting more time into it.”

Make the conversation with your child functional, not emotional. Too many parents get bogged down in emotionality. Kids do better when they keep their feelings out of it. After all, their emotions are volatile: they love you, they hate you; they're happy, they're angry. So you want to keep it on a functional level and ask, “What’s getting in the way of you doing your work? What's going on? And how are you going to change it?”

Giving Your Child Rewards for School Performance
I know families who let their kids do their homework in their rooms as long as they get a “B” or above. If their grades slip, they have to do their homework at the dining room table until they bring them up again. For some kids, that means they also have to do an extra hour of homework a night, but then they’re allowed to stay up half-an-hour later so they still get some free time. That’s part of their reward for doing the work.

When my son was in high school, I would tell him if he got all “A's” and “B's” I'd give him a cool reward. If he didn’t get the grades, he wouldn’t get anything. We didn’t make a big deal out of it, and we didn’t punish him if he wasn’t able to do it.

Remember, kids need to be rewarded; they need to be motivated. As parents, we're taking and we're giving; we’re demanding but we're supporting. It's like a sandwich: on top there's the pressure for your child to perform, and underneath there's support with rewards and extra help.

I also want to say that while rewards are helpful, the absence of rewards is not causing the problem. Rewards don't change behavior: learning problem-solving skills and being held accountable changes behavior. Having a concrete plan and sticking to it changes behavior.

When we talk about grades sliding and kids falling behind at school, it sounds simple but it’s a very complex thing—and something that parents struggle with every day all over the country. My wife and I wrestled with this issue as parents, and we both had Masters Degrees in Social Work and worked with kids for a living. My point is that it’s natural to wonder, “Are the demands too much for my child? Are they enough for him? Or are we taking it too easy on him?” In my opinion, parents who make it a priority to get involved—and then take steps to help their child—are doing them a huge service.

A final word: Kids are resilient. If you help your child and he’s able to get back on track and do the work, in all likelihood he’ll bounce back at school. I believe kids have strengths that aren't easily observable unless you know how to look for them. As a parent, you need to find that resiliency, find that strength in your child, and work with it.

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Is It an Adolescent Phase or Out-of-Control Behavior?
Part II: 8 Ways to Manage Acting-out Kids

In part two of this series, James discusses eight ways to challenge acting out behavior in kids today—from disrespect to breaking curfew to alcohol and substance abuse—in order to start changing your child's behavior tomorrow.

I think it’s important for parents of acting-out teens to ask themselves this question: If your teenager is abusing you verbally, calling you disgusting names and punching holes in the walls, what kind of husband or father do you think he's going to make? Unless something dramatic happens, people stay on the course of the lives they set in motion in childhood and adolescence. And if the course of your child’s life is petty criminal behavior (starting with stealing from you), using drugs and alcohol, and intimidating everybody at home, know that this is not going to change on its own. Make no mistake, this is not a phase—rather, it’s a sign that your child is developing unhealthy behaviors that may stay with him his entire life.

You should always try to have a conversation that solves problems, not a conversation that lays blame—because blame is useless.

I do service work at a prison and I talk to the guys there each week. You know what they were doing as teenagers? They were stealing from their parents, staying out all night, getting high and drinking. If anybody gave them a hard time at home, they acted out. They intimidated everybody in their family and at school so everybody left them alone. On visiting day in prison, you can see all the parents going in to visit their kids—but now they're in their twenties and thirties. That is the harsh reality of ignoring or not dealing with a child’s out-of-control behavior. So as a parent, I think you always have to ask yourself, “Where is this behavior headed? Where does this go?”

Picture a frog who goes out to a rock in the middle of a pond every day. He sits on the rock and a fly comes by, so he eats it. Now he's full and he goes back into the reeds. That frog will do that until the day he dies, because it works. He's happy, he's done. I think we're all kind of like that frog. People don't change if something is working for them and they're getting away with it—especially adolescents.

How to Hold Your Child Accountable: 8 Practical Steps for Change

1. Stop Blaming Yourself for Your Child’s Behavior:
I very directly tell parents who blame themselves to cut it out. Remember, it’s not whose fault it is—it’s who's willing to take responsibility. So if you're looking for answers in Empowering Parents, and otherwise trying to improve your parenting skills, then you're taking responsibility. Maybe you messed up in the past, but let's start here, today, with what you are willing to do for your child now.

The next step is to try to get your child in a position where he becomes willing to take responsibility for his behavior.

2. Avoid Confrontations:
I always tell parents that they don’t have to attend every fight they’re invited to. Don’t let children suck you into an argument when they slam their bedroom door loudly or roll their eyes at you. I think the best thing to do is say, “Hey, don't slam the door,” and then leave the room. Give your child a verbal reprimand right there on the spot, and then leave.

3. Use “Pull-ups”:
I think it’s also a good idea to be very specific with instructions in order to avoid a fight later. You can say, “Hey listen, when you put the dishes in the dishwasher, rinse them off first.” That’s called a “pull-up,” because you're actually just giving your child a boost. It's like taking them by the hand and helping them get on their feet. You may need to do ten pull-ups a night, but that's okay. There are no hard feelings there. You don't hold a grudge, you don't cut him off when he’s talking, you're not saying, “I told you so; I warned you about this.” These responses—blaming, speeches, criticism—all cut off communication. And I think if you can have a relationship with your adolescent where you're still communicating 60 or 70 percent of the time, you’re doing pretty well.

4. Don’t Personalize It:
If you get angry when your child stomps off to his room or doesn’t want to spend time with you, you're personalizing his behavior. That gives him power over you. I understand that this is easy for parents to do, especially if your teen used to enjoy spending time with you and was fairly compliant when he or she was younger. But I think if you take your child’s behavior as a personal attack upon you or your values, you're overreacting. Your child is in adolescence; it's his problem and it's not an attack on you, it’s where he is in his developmental cycle. Your teen is not striking out at you—believe me, teenagers will strike out at anybody who’s there. Put a cardboard cut-out of yourself in the kitchen, and most teenagers will yell at that. I’m joking, but my point is that there is so much going on in your adolescent’s head—he’s also so self-involved at this stage in his life—that he doesn't see things clearly. Adolescence distorts perception.

So if your teenage daughter comes home late, don't take that personally. If she told you she wasn’t going to do something and then she did it, don't personalize that. It’s not, “You let me down.” It’s, “You broke the rules and here are the consequences.” Just reinforce what the rules are and let your child know she’ll be held accountable.

The only time I think you should take something personally is when a child is being verbally or physically abusive. If your teenager calls you foul names and is destructive to others or to property, you need to respond very strongly.

5. Run Your Home Based on Your Belief System:
I believe parents should run their homes based on their own belief system, not on how other people operate, or how it appears families on television do things. It doesn’t matter if “Everybody’s doing it.” You need to tell your teen, “Well, I'm not ‘Everybody’s’ parent, I’m yours. And in our family, this is not allowed.” So if you believe it's not right for 16-year-olds to drink beer, then that's what you believe—and you need to run your home accordingly. If you believe that lying and stealing are wrong, then make that a rule in your house and hold your children accountable for that behavior if they break the rules.

6. Be a Role Model:
If you tell your child the rules and then you break them, how do you think your adolescent will react? Do you think he’ll respect what you’ve said, or do you think the message will be, “Dad says that I shouldn’t lie, but he does sometimes, so it’s okay.” It’s imperative to be a good role model and abide by the rules you make yourself—or risk having them be broken over and over again by your children.

7. Try Not to Overreact:
Believe me, I understand that it's easy to overreact to normal teenage behavior. They can be really annoying, and they are often unaware—and don’t care about—other people’s feelings very much. But I think some objectivity on the part of parents is vital. So if your child makes a mistake, like coming in past curfew, you don't want to overreact to it. Don't forget, the idea is not to punish—it’s to teach, through responsibility, accountability and giving appropriate consequences.

I think you should always ask yourself, “What does my child need to learn so he doesn’t make that same mistake next time? What can I do about that?” When a teen fails a test, the question should be, “So what are you going to do differently so you don't fail the next test?” You may hold your child accountable, there may be a consequence, but you should always try to have a conversation that solves problems, not a conversation that lays blame—because blame is useless.

So let’s say your child went to the mall without your permission. You hold him accountable and give him consequences for that breach of family rules. Then you should say, “What can you do differently the next time the other kids say, ‘Let's go to the mall’ and you want to be cool and not ask me if it’s okay?” Then help your child look at the range of options. They could say, “No thanks.” Or they could say, “I have to call my mother, she's a pain in the neck, but I have to check in.” I actually used to tell kids to say this. It’s a great way for teens to follow the rules without looking weak or childish. When they say, “My mom is a pain,” all the other kids nod and shake their heads, because their parents are pains in the neck, too. Sometimes kids just don't know what to say in a sticky situation. Part of solving that problem with them is coming up with some good responses and even role playing a little, until it feels comfortable coming out of your child’s mouth.

8. Physical Abuse, Substance Abuse and Stealing:
I believe if your child is stealing, being physically abusive or destructive of property or using substances, you have to hold him accountable, even if it means involving the police. The bottom line is that if your child is breaking the law or stealing from you, you need to get more help. I know parents who say, “I can't do that to my son,” and I respect that—it’s a very difficult thing to do. But in my opinion, you're doing your child a favor by telling him that what he’s doing is unacceptable. He is not responding to parental authority or to the school’s authority, so you have to go to a higher level. Your child has to learn how to respond to authority if he's going to go anywhere in life. You may worry about your teen getting a record—but if he's under 18, I think you should worry more about him not changing his behavior.

I think that all children, but especially adolescents, have to be held accountable for their behavior. Ideally, we teach them how to behave. We model it ourselves and then we hold them accountable through giving consequences and helping them learn problem-solving skills.

Whether your child is a normal adolescent or he’s an out-of-control teenager, you need to hold him accountable. That means you tell him he’s responsible for his behavior; he’s making choices. And I'm going to tell you something: kids who are getting high, stealing, shoplifting and acting out are making very bad choices that may affect them for the rest of their lives.

Accountability creates change. It doesn't guarantee a complete inner change right away, but it sure forces behavioral change. And here’s the truth: nobody ever changed who wasn't held accountable.

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Is It an Adolescent Phase or Out-of-Control Behavior?
Part II: 8 Ways to Manage Acting-out Kids

In part two of this series, James discusses eight ways to challenge acting out behavior in kids today—from disrespect to breaking curfew to alcohol and substance abuse—in order to start changing your child's behavior tomorrow.

I think it’s important for parents of acting-out teens to ask themselves this question: If your teenager is abusing you verbally, calling you disgusting names and punching holes in the walls, what kind of husband or father do you think he's going to make?

Unless something dramatic happens, people stay on the course of the lives they set in motion in childhood and adolescence.

And if the course of your child’s life is petty criminal behavior (starting with stealing from you), using drugs and alcohol, and intimidating everybody at home, know that this is not going to change on its own. Make no mistake, this is not a phase—rather, it’s a sign that your child is developing unhealthy behaviors that may stay with him his entire life.

You should always try to have a conversation that solves problems, not a conversation that lays blame—because blame is useless.

I do service work at a prison and I talk to the guys there each week. You know what they were doing as teenagers? They were stealing from their parents, staying out all night, getting high and drinking. If anybody gave them a hard time at home, they acted out.

They intimidated everybody in their family and at school so everybody left them alone. On visiting day in prison, you can see all the parents going in to visit their kids—but now they're in their twenties and thirties.

That is the harsh reality of ignoring or not dealing with a child’s out-of-control behavior. So as a parent, I think you always have to ask yourself, “Where is this behavior headed? Where does this go?”

Picture a frog who goes out to a rock in the middle of a pond every day. He sits on the rock and a fly comes by, so he eats it. Now he's full and he goes back into the reeds. That frog will do that until the day he dies, because it works. He's happy, he's done. I think we're all kind of like that frog. People don't change if something is working for them and they're getting away with it—especially adolescents.

How to Hold Your Child Accountable: 8 Practical Steps for Change

1. Stop Blaming Yourself for Your Child’s Behavior:
I very directly tell parents who blame themselves to cut it out. Remember, it’s not whose fault it is—it’s who's willing to take responsibility. So if you're looking for answers in Empowering Parents, and otherwise trying to improve your parenting skills, then you're taking responsibility. Maybe you messed up in the past, but let's start here, today, with what you are willing to do for your child now.

The next step is to try to get your child in a position where he becomes willing to take responsibility for his behavior.

2. Avoid Confrontations:
I always tell parents that they don’t have to attend every fight they’re invited to. Don’t let children suck you into an argument when they slam their bedroom door loudly or roll their eyes at you. I think the best thing to do is say, “Hey, don't slam the door,” and then leave the room. Give your child a verbal reprimand right there on the spot, and then leave.

3. Use “Pull-ups”:
I think it’s also a good idea to be very specific with instructions in order to avoid a fight later. You can say, “Hey listen, when you put the dishes in the dishwasher, rinse them off first.” That’s called a “pull-up,” because you're actually just giving your child a boost. It's like taking them by the hand and helping them get on their feet.

You may need to do ten pull-ups a night, but that's okay. There are no hard feelings there. You don't hold a grudge, you don't cut him off when he’s talking, you're not saying, “I told you so; I warned you about this.” These responses—blaming, speeches, criticism—all cut off communication. And I think if you can have a relationship with your adolescent where you're still communicating 60 or 70 percent of the time, you’re doing pretty well.

4. Don’t Personalize It:
If you get angry when your child stomps off to his room or doesn’t want to spend time with you, you're personalizing his behavior. That gives him power over you. I understand that this is easy for parents to do, especially if your teen used to enjoy spending time with you and was fairly compliant when he or she was younger. But I think if you take your child’s behavior as a personal attack upon you or your values, you're overreacting.

Your child is in adolescence; it's his problem and it's not an attack on you, it’s where he is in his developmental cycle. Your teen is not striking out at you—believe me, teenagers will strike out at anybody who’s there. Put a cardboard cut-out of yourself in the kitchen, and most teenagers will yell at that. I’m joking, but my point is that there is so much going on in your adolescent’s head—he’s also so self-involved at this stage in his life—that he doesn't see things clearly. Adolescence distorts perception.

So if your teenage daughter comes home late, don't take that personally. If she told you she wasn’t going to do something and then she did it, don't personalize that. It’s not, “You let me down.” It’s, “You broke the rules and here are the consequences.” Just reinforce what the rules are and let your child know she’ll be held accountable.

The only time I think you should take something personally is when a child is being verbally or physically abusive. If your teenager calls you foul names and is destructive to others or to property, you need to respond very strongly.

5. Run Your Home Based on Your Belief System:
I believe parents should run their homes based on their own belief system, not on how other people operate, or how it appears families on television do things. It doesn’t matter if “Everybody’s doing it.” You need to tell your teen, “Well, I'm not ‘Everybody’s’ parent, I’m yours. And in our family, this is not allowed.”

So if you believe it's not right for 16-year-olds to drink beer, then that's what you believe—and you need to run your home accordingly. If you believe that lying and stealing are wrong, then make that a rule in your house and hold your children accountable for that behavior if they break the rules.

6. Be a Role Model:
If you tell your child the rules and then you break them, how do you think your adolescent will react? Do you think he’ll respect what you’ve said, or do you think the message will be, “Dad says that I shouldn’t lie, but he does sometimes, so it’s okay.” It’s imperative to be a good role model and abide by the rules you make yourself—or risk having them be broken over and over again by your children.

7. Try Not to Overreact:
Believe me, I understand that it's easy to overreact to normal teenage behavior. They can be really annoying, and they are often unaware—and don’t care about—other people’s feelings very much. But I think some objectivity on the part of parents is vital. So if your child makes a mistake, like coming in past curfew, you don't want to overreact to it. Don't forget, the idea is not to punish—it’s to teach, through responsibility, accountability and giving appropriate consequences.

I think you should always ask yourself, “What does my child need to learn so he doesn’t make that same mistake next time? What can I do about that?” When a teen fails a test, the question should be, “So what are you going to do differently so you don't fail the next test?”

You may hold your child accountable, there may be a consequence, but you should always try to have a conversation that solves problems, not a conversation that lays blame—because blame is useless.

So let’s say your child went to the mall without your permission. You hold him accountable and give him consequences for that breach of family rules.

Then you should say, “What can you do differently the next time the other kids say, ‘Let's go to the mall’ and you want to be cool and not ask me if it’s okay?” Then help your child look at the range of options. They could say, “No thanks.” Or they could say, “I have to call my mother, she's a pain in the neck, but I have to check in.”

I actually used to tell kids to say this. It’s a great way for teens to follow the rules without looking weak or childish. When they say, “My mom is a pain,” all the other kids nod and shake their heads, because their parents are pains in the neck, too. Sometimes kids just don't know what to say in a sticky situation. Part of solving that problem with them is coming up with some good responses and even role playing a little, until it feels comfortable coming out of your child’s mouth.

8. Physical Abuse, Substance Abuse and Stealing:
I believe if your child is stealing, being physically abusive or destructive of property or using substances, you have to hold him accountable, even if it means involving the police. The bottom line is that if your child is breaking the law or stealing from you, you need to get more help.

I know parents who say, “I can't do that to my son,” and I respect that—it’s a very difficult thing to do. But in my opinion, you're doing your child a favor by telling him that what he’s doing is unacceptable.

He is not responding to parental authority or to the school’s authority, so you have to go to a higher level. Your child has to learn how to respond to authority if he's going to go anywhere in life. You may worry about your teen getting a record—but if he's under 18, I think you should worry more about him not changing his behavior.

I think that all children, but especially adolescents, have to be held accountable for their behavior. Ideally, we teach them how to behave. We model it ourselves and then we hold them accountable through giving consequences and helping them learn problem-solving skills.

Whether your child is a normal adolescent or he’s an out-of-control teenager, you need to hold him accountable. That means you tell him he’s responsible for his behavior; he’s making choices. And I'm going to tell you something: kids who are getting high, stealing, shoplifting and acting out are making very bad choices that may affect them for the rest of their lives.

Accountability creates change. It doesn't guarantee a complete inner change right away, but it sure forces behavioral change. And here’s the truth: nobody ever changed who wasn't held accountable.

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

It's Never Too Late: 7 Ways to Start Parenting More Effectively

Many parents write in to Empowering Parents and ask, “Is it too late to change the way I parent my child—and will it actually work if I do?”

In this article, James Lehman explains how you can change the way you parent, and why your child’s behavior has a much better chance of improving when you do. James gives you 7 ways to be a more effective parent, starting today.

Work on the behavior you want to change most—then, move on to the next one. Don't try to tackle everything at once.

Some parents are afraid that their child won't change no matter what they do.

Many find themselves reacting automatically when their child behaves inappropriately; as soon as he acts out, they’re yelling and screaming, or getting sucked into power struggles. And even when parents try something new, it's easy for them to get discouraged. S

ome try to do different things from time to time, but when these methods seem to be ineffective, they eventually give up. This is true especially if the behavior has been a problem for years and they haven't been able to do anything about it.

I’ve found that if you don't really take the time to think your response through, you often wind up simply reacting to the things your children do—and not responding effectively. Many parents become frustrated with their child’s behavior and want to give a punishment right away.

Unfortunately, doing this doesn't provide any effective training to the child; in the end, it's just not helpful. There's a big difference between the words “react” and “respond.” When you react, it’s almost like a reflex—your buttons are pushed, and you go into your routine.

But if you’re responding, you’re being more objective. You're still going to hold your child accountable, but you have more time to consider the consequence you’ll give him and what you want him to learn from it—and there’s less of a chance you’ll take your child’s behavior personally.

To anyone who asks the question, “Is it too late to change my parenting style?” I would say that it’s never too late. It may not always be easy, but there are effective things you can start doing right away to change the way you respond—and to improve your child’s behavior.

7 Ways to Start Parenting More Effectively

1. Decide What You Want to Work on First: One of the things I see with parents is that they don’t know where to start. But I think it’s simple: start with the things that put your child at risk. These are the behaviors that are physically or emotionally dangerous to your child or others—where he is hurting somebody physically, breaking things, or being unsafe outside of the home.

My experience is that if you want to change everything at once, you’re going to be very disappointed. Not only is that an impossible task; you're going to alienate your child. I also think parents should address the things that violate their values and morals, and that are risky to the child and others.

Start there. Do we want to change everything? Well, good luck, maybe we can. But I think we want to start with the most dangerous, risky stuff, and then move forward.

2. Pinpoint Exactly What You Want to Change: I think it’s helpful for parents to break behaviors down into separate pieces and work on them one at a time. So if your child curses at you and storms up to his room and slams the door, start with the behavior you want to change most.

When you talk with him, you want to break it down. Begin with, “Don't curse. That doesn't help solve the problem, and I'm offended by it. What do you think you could do differently the next time you get upset?” Your child may not be able to come up with anything, but offer some suggestions and get him to pick one option.

And then say, “All right, so the next time you’re upset, instead of cursing, you’ll just go to your room.”

So work on the behavior you want to change most—then, move on to the next one. Don’t try to tackle everything at once.

3. Explain the Change: If you're going to change a specific response to a behavior, it might be helpful to sit down with your child and explain what that change is going to be. When things are going well and everybody is calm, you can say, “Oh, by the way, I wanted to tell you something. I don't think being grounded in your room all day when you use bad language is working around here.

It doesn’t seem to be helping you to change. So from now on when you curse, you're going to go into your room until you write a letter of apology. Then, when you’re done with that letter, you can read it to me and we’ll talk about it. While you're in your room, I'm going to take your computer and cell phone away to make sure you stay on target.”

Be clear on what you're going to do. Your child may get angry and frustrated, but don't let him turn it into an argument. Say, “I understand that it might be frustrating, but this is how I want our family to work.”

I also suggest that you don't make speeches, but keep your remarks specific and focused. Remember, speeches cut down on communication.

4. Tell Your Child What the Goal Is: I think it’s important to define your goals to your child. You can say something like, “My goal is that you don't hurt other people by saying bad words.”

Or “My goal is that you don't steal money out of my wallet,” or “My goal is that you don't punch the wall,” or “My goal is that you don't throw sand in kids’ faces or bite them when you’re playing in the sandbox.” You can start out the conversation by saying, “I've noticed that when somebody teases you a little, you get really upset and you get yourself into trouble. I hate to see that, because then you get punished—and it happens all over again the next day.

So from now on, let's figure out a way for you to handle this differently so that you don’t get into trouble. When someone teases you, what can you do instead?” And come up with a game plan of what he might do next time.

It’s important to realize that what comes out of your mouth doesn't always get into your child’s ear the way you want it to. And so even if your child is confused when you talk with him—he may be frustrated, worried, or angry—just try to stay calm. Whatever it is, say, “Let's just see how it works out first.” Your child doesn't have to agree; it's not a democracy. But it's a way of approaching problems that, over time, will change his perceptions of his relationship with authority—and his relationship with you.

5. Manage Opportunity: If you’re concerned that your child is going to do something hurtful or destructive, one of your options is to manage the opportunities he has. Let’s say you have a teenager who continuously gets speeding tickets. He doesn’t respond to your efforts to get him to take responsibility and drive more safely.

One of the things you can do is take away his car. When you do that, you’re taking away the opportunity. It’s similar with younger kids. If they demonstrate that they won’t stop stealing money out of your wallet, take away the opportunity by putting a lock on your door or locking your purse in the trunk of your car. Opportunity management is one of the simplest ways of shaping behavior. In other words, if your daughter can’t handle the mall without throwing tantrums, don’t take her to the mall. If your son is at a restaurant and he can’t stop acting out, take him out of the restaurant. Once your child demonstrates that he can’t handle something, remove the opportunity until he shows you that he can. Often, if your child doesn't have the opportunity to do something, it won’t happen.

6. Don’t Appeal to Your Child’s Empathy: Asking your child, “Do you know how it feels when you’re disrespectful to me?” or asking, “How do you think Tommy feels when you take his lunch money?” are appeals to your child’s empathy. But children, and especially teenagers, don't experience much empathy for anybody. They are simply not in touch with those feelings. The apparatus that manages empathy in the mind is not working properly yet; some say it isn’t fully formed.

Regardless of the reasons, empathy is not an approach that will convince your child of anything. Consequently, they don’t experience empathy for everyday situations, so you can’t depend on that tactic to change their behavior. Instead, you have to work with their self-interest. If you want your child to change something, you have to demonstrate that he will benefit from changing; that it’s in his self-interest.

If you want your child to stop lying or manipulating, you have to frame it in a way so he can see how he would benefit from stopping that behavior. It’s not helpful to say “Can’t you see how much your manipulating hurts me?” Instead, say, “Aren’t you sick of getting grounded for manipulating? You’re the one who gets hurt when you manipulate. Remember, Josh, the consequences won’t stop until the manipulation stops. So stop doing this to yourself.”

7. Set Limits and Give Consequences: I think an important component of teaching our kids is learning how to set limits on them. There’s an old saying: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.” But I say, “You can lead a horse to water and you can't make him drink—but you can make him thirsty.”

That’s what your consequences should be designed to do. Accordingly, we can’t make our child change. But if we use the right combination of consequences and motivation, we can, in a sense, make them thirsty to change.

Remember, consequences are a means to an end. And if you find an effective consequence, continue to use it. By “effective” I mean that your child responds to it, even if only for a short while. It’s not always helpful to immediately go for a bigger hammer if the consequence doesn’t appear to be working. You should always have a bigger hammer in your toolbox, but escalate slowly.

Here’s the deal: someday your child is going to change—if not for you, then for his boss, a judge, his probation officer, or his girlfriend. Hopefully he’ll change before he engages in too much self-destruction. In any case, you’re on duty now, it’s your watch, so just do the best you can.

So how do you know if you should change your parenting style? I believe that you have to change the way you parent if what you’ve been doing up until now has proven ineffective. There’s information regarding learning effective parenting styles, giving effective consequences, and ways to have conversations with your child that promote change and don’t create excuses. Do your best to access that information, both here on Empowering Parents and in other trusted places.

And remember: It’s never too late.

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Blended Family? The 5 Secrets of Effective Stepparenting

Parenting is never easy, but when you have a blended family—with bio-kids and stepkids, your spouse’s ex, and other extended family members thrown into the mix—things can get very difficult very quickly.

We receive questions every week in Empowering Parents from readers who ask: “How can I discipline my stepkids effectively and get their respect?

No matter what I do, they just won’t listen to me.” Carri and Gordon Taylor, nationally recognized experts on creating thriving stepfamilies, have answers that have worked for countless stepparents.

"The steprelationship is the barometer of how (or if) the family is coming together—and the child is the one who will determine that because you can't make anyone like you."

It can be extremely hard to find the right balance when you’re a stepparent. Many adults try to blend their families with high expectations: they may think it will be similar to their first marriage in terms of time spent with their spouse and the attention they’ll be able to give the relationship. Unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

We like to say that first marriages are “apples,” and second marriages are “oranges”: you can’t compare the two, because while a first marriage is all about your new partner, a subsequent marriage revolves around the kids—and making sure that everyone has a place in the family.

In working with stepfamilies over the years, we’ve found if the parents try to rush it or “force new family,” it’s not going to work out well. And here's the tough part for adults: the steprelationship is the barometer of how (or if) the family is coming together—and the child is the one who will determine that, because you can’t make anyone like you.

It’s important to realize that everyone's role shifts when you create a stepfamily. In fact, when you first bring everyone together, all the kids will try to figure out where—or even if—they belong in the new system.

If they don’t believe they have a place—or if they think someone is taking their place—they’ll often act out. We’ve come up with five tried-and-true “secrets” that helped us after we created our own stepfamily. We’ve also used them to help thousands of other couples successfully blend theirs. (Read to the end for the “bonus secret” that we think every stepparent should know!)

Secret Number 1: Defer to the Bio-Parent

Surprised? It’s true. As a stepparent, it’s important to defer to the bio-parent. Even though this might go against everything you expected, the steprelationship needs time to develop. It’s important not to be the heavy, but you can't disappear either.

Maintaining your presence and at the same time supporting the bio-parent is difficult, but will be productive. The irony is that when you relax and support the bio-parent, the relationship with your stepchild will form faster.

You’re the good cop; let the bio-parent be the bad cop. If there’s a behavior for which your stepchild needs a consequence, let your spouse deal with it and support their decision. The good cop finds out the interests of the stepchild and develops the relationship by getting involved in the child’s life based on those discoveries.

Secret Number 2: Don't Compete with Your Counterpart

Don’t compete with your counterpart; rather, uphold them. In other words, don't try to be a better mom than your stepkids’ bio-mom, or a better dad than their bio-dad.

No matter what you think of the bio-parent’s style of discipline (or lack thereof) it’s important to respect and acknowledge the strength of the biological connection.

This can be difficult to do when your new spouse is still at war with his or her ex, and possibly still fighting over the kids and other issues.

Many stepmoms decide they’re going to make up for all the hurt and pain. Many stepfathers have an attitude of “I’m going to shape up this platoon and lead the troops out of the wilderness.” But as somebody once said, “If the stepdad is leading and no one is following, he’s just out for a walk.”

We encourage stepparents to establish a relationship with their stepkids rather than being a dictator or rigid authoritarian. Simply be present in the child’s life and avoid “fixing things” or competing with the bio-parent.

Secret Number 3: Discover Your Stepchild's Interests

Discover the things your stepson or stepdaughter likes. Start off as you would with any friendship: find some common ground and do things together that you might both enjoy. Remember, you’re just there to build a relationship appropriately, not to parent or take the place of your stepchild’s mother or father.

Come in as a friend or a benevolent aunt or uncle; in other words, choose a role other than “parent” in order to foster the relationship.

Secret Number 4: Get Out of the Way

Let your spouse have one-on-one time with his or her kids—without you. This helps reduce the displacement and loss the child might be feeling, and assures him that he hasn’t been displaced by somebody else. This flies in the face of the myth of “instant family.”

In our own stepfamily, we always encouraged each other to go off for the weekend or do special things with our bio-kids solo, and it helped everyone immeasurably. In all blended families, this reassures the children that they still belong and haven’t lost the love of their bio-parent to the new spouse.

One of the most common complaints of biological parents is that they believe they're caught in the middle. We often hear, “I love my spouse and I love my children, but I feel like I’m being pulled apart.” Many stepparents get all sick and nervous if their spouse is still spending time with his or her kids and not including them.

Our advice to them is, “Well, if you plan to be in this marriage awhile, don't worry about it—you'll get your turn.” In the meantime, this relieves the bio-parent and releases them to enjoy their children— and lets the stepkids know you’re not there to take their parent away.

Secret Number 5: Act Lovingly Even If You Don't Like Your Stepkids

We hear this all the time: “I feel guilty because I don’t love my stepkids.” The reality is that you may never love them as your own—or even like them. And remember, you can’t make your stepkids like you, either! You are the “intruder.” In their minds, you’ve displaced them.

But even if you don’t like them, you can learn to act lovingly toward them. Love is an action; so behave in a loving manner toward your stepkids. It may surprise you down the road; as the relationship develops, love just may develop!

It’s important to realize that because of the pain kids experience after divorce—and continue to feel with a remarriage—they may act out. They may not have the skills to talk it out and express what’s really going on inside. Many couples will come in for counseling and in essence say, “Fix these kids.”

Yet the kids aren’t broken—the family is. So we ask the adults if they are willing to acknowledge the pain and brokenness that they created. If the couple is able to gain the skills to listen and understand what the child is going through, over time, the kids will usually respond productively.

Bonus Secret: Find Something Right

Find something good about your stepkids. Instead of focusing on the negative or complaining about them, find something positive to say to your spouse. That gets your husband or wife out of the middle, and puts you in a more positive frame of mind about the kids.

Here’s the analogy we like to use with the stepparents we see: The stepfamily relationship is a “baby relationship”: it’s brand new and very weak. In essence, it's like you’re trying to pull a Mack truck with a piece of string.

And if you pull too hard or discipline too rigidly, you'll just pop the string. So take the time to develop the relationship, making the string into a cord, the cord into a rope, and the rope into a chain. The chain you end up with some day will be strong enough to take all the pushes and pulls of normal relationships. (And by the way, we are talking about years—not days, weeks, or months!)

We understand that these “5 Secrets of Effective Stepparenting” are not always easy to follow, but over the years, we've seen fabulous things happen in stepfamilies when they do it right. And it's happened in our own family—we’ve been able to develop some wonderful relationships with our stepkids by sticking to these principles.

Just remember that it takes a lot of time, perseverance, maturity, commitment and patience on the part of all the adults involved.

Carri and Gordon Taylor are nationally-recognized experts on blending families successfully. They began their stepfamily journey in 1986, when Gordon brought three sons to the marriage and Carri brought two daughters. Gordon is a practicing licensed marriage and family therapist, and Carri is a certified communications skills trainer and personal coach. They have 10 grandchildren and live in Edmond, Oklahoma, where they speak for church groups, businesses, and conferences.

Child Outbursts: Why Kids Blame, Make Excuses and Fight When You Challenge Their Behavior

Arguing with kids often seems like a losing battle—and it is. No matter what you say, your child has a smart comeback that pushes your buttons or leaves you speechless. And worst of all, when your child is angry, nothing is fair, and it’s never his fault. James Lehman explains how, in any argument, your child might set different “traps” for you to fall into.

Once you know what these traps are, you’ll be able to avoid them—and hold your child accountable. Here, James translates what your child is really saying during an argument.

If your child thinks it's somebody else's fault or that something isn't fair, he'll be able to justify a lot of inappropriate behavior…

You’ll often see kids blame others and point the finger at someone else when you hold them accountable for their behavior. Very often they see themselves as the victim, no matter how aggressive or abusive their behavior is.

Thinking of themselves this way gives them the ability, in their mind, not to take any responsibility—and if you don’t take responsibility, then you won't have to change.

If your child blames others or comes back with excuse after excuse whenever you call him on his behavior, I believe you need to start challenging his thinking. And if he acts out or is destructive in order to get away with inappropriate behavior, know that this is a warning sign: you need to find ways to stop that pattern immediately.

Here’s an example of how a conversation with your child can quickly be derailed by accusations, blame and anger. Let's say the teen below hasn’t done his homework and now he's behind at school. He was in a bad mood when he came home, so he takes it out on his little sister by picking on her and calling her foul names.

His mother is concerned and upset, and she attempts to talk to him about what’s going on. Soon, their conversation deteriorates into an ugly argument:

Parent: "Why are you falling behind in school and picking on your sister so much lately?”

Child: “It’s her fault that I call her names—she’s always bugging me and taking my stuff. I’m sick of her crap.”

When you try to hold kids accountable, they will often use excuses to deflect your attempts to make them take responsibility for their actions.

And in fact, if the mother in this example asked her child to apologize to his sister, he would say, “I'm sorry, but.” And it would be,

“I'm sorry, but you looked at me funny.”

Or “I'm sorry, but you laughed.”

So whatever he says, he means “I’m sorry, but it was your fault.” A

nd again, what he’s really stating here is, “I'm not responsible for what I say. I’m sorry, but I'm actually the victim here.”

One of the big signs of whether or not your child is ready to change is whether or not he is ready to stop being the victim. If he can stop that victim thinking and start to take some responsibility for himself, I don't care if he’s 8 or 18, he has a better chance of changing than a child who continues to blame the world—and everybody in it.

Parent: “Well, why aren’t you keeping up with your work?”

Child: “The teacher didn't explain the assignment to me. How should I know what she wants me to do? She's an idiot.”

Again, what we see here is victim thinking. In this kid’s mind, it's not his responsibility to get clarification from the teacher. One of the problems with this kind of thinking is that kids believe what they think—in fact, we all do.

So if your child thinks it's somebody else's fault or that something isn’t fair, he’ll be able to justify a lot of inappropriate behavior and shirk a lot of responsibility. These are what we call “thinking errors”—and they cause a lot of problems for kids and adults alike.

Understand that in their minds, they believe they’re right. Kids think, “My friends are allowed to stay out until 10 o’clock. Why can't I?” Or “Why can't I watch another hour of TV?” That’s victim thinking: they believe they’re a victim of your stupidity or failure to understand their world. And then the next jump in their thinking process is, “It's not fair.”

When somebody thinks something isn’t fair, they are then able to reason, “This isn’t fair, so the rules don't apply to me.” Next, they’re able to justify not following that rule.

Adults do the same thing. Very often, people know something is wrong, but they don’t see it as harmful. So they rationalize that the rules around that issue are unfair and they choose not to follow those rules. How many adults know that it's wrong to speed, but speed anyway? When you ask them about it, they have a lot of reasons, excuses and justifications why the rule isn’t fair and why it shouldn't apply to them. We see this in children all the time.

When kids start complaining or blaming teachers, they're basically saying “It's not fair.” And once they believe that, then they don't have to do the homework assignment, clean their room or mow the lawn. And many kids are adept at making something unfair right away—they’re professional victims.

As soon as your child excuses his irresponsibility by saying his teacher is an idiot, you can bet he’s found a way to rationalize not doing the work.

Parent: “Well, why didn’t you just talk to her after school if you didn’t understand?”

Child: “Why don’t you believe me? You're always taking the teacher’s side. It’s not fair. Why are you always picking on me? God, you're such a b----.”

Once again, we see the victim mentality kick in. Kids with behavior problems and a lack of problem-solving skills see any questioning of their actions, no matter how benign, as an attack.

They start by saying, “I already explained that it's the teacher's fault, why are you bothering me?” And then they add some power and sting to their words by getting verbally abusive. This is their strategy of “Agree with me, or face my acting out, face my aggression, face my verbal garbage.”

So there's the warning—“Agree with me or face my B.S.”—he’s starting to escalate so his parent will back down and leave him alone. The worst part about this strategy is that it often works for kids—and by the time they’re young adults, they’re left with no problem-solving skills in their arsenal except intimidation and aggression.

By the way, I think that you want to avoid letting your child gain control of the conversation by using curse words. If your child does this, make a mental note to deal with it later. That’s better than letting him push your buttons. Stay focused on the issue at hand. In fact, I often tell parents to write down the issue on an index card so they can keep referring to it when they’re tempted to get sidetracked.

If I was talking to this mother in my office, I would coach her not to accept any excuse for abuse. When her son verbally abuses his sister, there should be clear, firm immediate consequences for that.

You don’t have to lose your focus to assign those consequences. Wait until the end of the conversation but make sure you address that. Secondly, I’d recommend that she give her child a consequence such as doing homework downstairs instead of in his room.

She should tell him that she wants to see his homework every night until his grades go up, according to his midterm report. In other words, she should be setting appropriate limits on him until his grades go up.

If your child starts to escalate in this way and becomes verbally abusive, it’s also easy to become upset and angry and lose your temper. And that’s often just what he wants you to do, because then you’re stuck in a power struggle with him—and when that happens, you’re yelling and threatening, he’s yelling and threatening, and no one is talking about his responsibilities any more.

Parent: “What did you call me? How dare you talk to me that way—I’m your mother! ”

Child: “Why do you hate me so much? No one understands me but my friends. I hate you!”

When the parent in our example finally loses it and responds to her son’s aggression, he makes another personal attack upon her and tries to manipulate her emotionally. In the moment, he may believe what he says, and this is yet another thinking error.

His mother doesn’t realize that for him, his solution is to attack—he wants to render her speechless. And if you’ll notice, he’s still not talking about taking any responsibility or solving the problem. They're just going around and around because he continues to play the victim.

And since his mother isn’t challenging him on that posture accurately, he's just stepping up his verbal abuse and manipulation.

Parent: “I don’t hate you. Why would you say that?”

Child: “F--- you, I'm out of here.” (Kicks the wall and leaves.)

Escaping a situation is the most primitive thing that humans do when they’re threatened: it’s the so-called “fight or flight” response. When your child reaches a point where he’s out of coping or problem-solving skills, his fight response is to yell at you, break things, or hurt people. If he chooses “flight,” he runs.

This response is not good for communication or negotiation skill development, which are two fundamentals of problem solving. His behavior doesn’t resolve the conflict—in fact, both choices just tend to make things worse in the long run.

The antidote to “fight or flight” is developing the communication and negotiation skills that are the basics of problem solving. A child, who doesn't want to communicate, has distorted thinking, constantly makes justifications, and continually takes a victim stance, has run out of coping skills.

And when they run out of excuses, they start becoming verbally abusive and threatening. If that doesn't stop, then they run. So for most of this argument, this child has been fighting—and when that doesn’t work, he decides to run.

The bottom line is that now this child’s escalation is getting physical. He went from verbal abuse to physical abuse when he kicked the wall. This is just another sign of his inability to communicate, his inability to solve problems and his world view that he's a victim and “It's not fair.”

Again, if things aren't fair, then the rules about cursing at people or breaking things don't apply to him, because it’s not his fault. And that lets him off the hook.

These kids have a way of thinking that justifies inappropriate behavior, that justifies violating other people's boundaries and that sees them as a victim of everything. When you try to interfere with or challenge that kind of thinking, these kids will get more upset , threatening or destructive.

But as a parent, you have to challenge your child’s thinking errors and hold him accountable. Even though your child may try to shut down questions about his behavior, remember that you are the parent and you have control. My advice is to avoid getting sucked into a power struggle with your child, even when he leaves in the middle of an argument. Just say, “When you get back, we’re still going to have to deal with this.”

Realize that the thinking errors kids use interfere with their ability to take genuine responsibility for their actions or inactions. They also inhibit a parent’s ability to teach their child how to communicate, negotiate or solve problems responsibly. In fact, thinking errors make communication impossible: they distort reality and allow the person using them to avoid taking responsibility.

As a parent, it’s important to understand the thinking errors kids use so you won’t fall into the traps they set for you during an argument. If you know what your child is doing—and how to challenge him effectively—you can stop the blaming, excuse-making and victim thinking.

In an upcoming article in Empowering Parents, I’ll be talking more about the thinking errors kids make—and how to deal with them as a parent.

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Passive-Aggressive Child Behavior: Hidden Anger in Kids

Does your child take forever to get up, eat breakfast and do his homework and chores? You nag, threaten and repeat yourself, but he still doesn’t seem to pay attention to anything you say.

Here, James Lehman explains the passive-aggressive ways kids control you—and how they use it to avoid responsibility.

 

It's important to understand that while some kids with behavior disorders get angry and act out, these kids get angry and act in.

Passive resistance is when kids learn to develop power over you by resisting you. In fact, it's the opposite of aggression: instead of threatening or yelling at you, a passive-aggressive child simply doesn’t answer you. He just walks into the house, goes upstairs and doesn't say anything.

When you call up to his room, he pretends not to hear you; instead, he makes you come upstairs. Understand that this is one way for a child to have power, and many become experts at this kind of passive-aggressive behavior.

These are kids who generally don't know how to communicate well or solve the problems associated with anger or anxiety. It’s important to understand that while some kids with behavior disorders get angry and act out, these kids get angry and act in.

Understand that I’m not talking about passive personalities—I'm talking about passive resistant behavior. These are kids who use resistance as a way to get back at you, and to gain control or power. They’re the kids who say, “I don't want to do what Mom wants me to do, but I won't confront her. I'll just drag my feet until she leaves me alone.” Or he’ll blow you off until he frustrates you—and in his mind, if he annoys you and you start yelling, he wins.

After all, you lost control, and he didn't. Now he feels like he's in control: you’re frustrated and you're yelling, “Why aren't you doing your homework? I told you three times!” And he's sitting there on the sofa, satisfied with the knowledge that he got to you. Sometimes he tells you to stop yelling and leaves you feeling frustrated and foolish.

How Does Passive-Aggressive Behavior Develop in Kids?
Passive-aggressive behavior in kids is a big problem in a lot of parents’ lives. For one reason or another, their child develops a way of avoiding feelings or confronting anger. They don’t learn how to talk about conflicts, frustrations, hostility and the things they think are unfair. Sadly, this pattern will often continue to develop in a person’s life through adulthood—and make no mistake, it causes serious problems for them.

Think of how destructive passive-aggressive behavior is in adult relationships. When adults can't be assertive and communicate their needs, they often rely on passive resistance—little ways of getting back at their spouse which eventually cause a lot of resentment and anger to build. Instead of building bridges, passive-aggressive behavior tears down communication quietly, closing window after window.

When people are passive-aggressive, realize that they often don't really know it until it's identified. They'll tell you that things don't bother them and they don't care, but then you'll see them fighting their partner or resisting things for no apparent reason. And kids will be the same way. They'll tell you they don't care and that it doesn't matter, but then you’ll see them resisting you over something that's meaningless. They do it by being real slow to get their homework started, not answering when you talk to them, and ignoring your requests to do their chores.

How Do Kids Control you with Passive Resistance?
By resisting you, your child is often training you to give up and leave him alone. He’s training you to believe he can't do it. He’s making you lower your expectations so you'll expect less from him. And the truth is, passive resistance often works for kids.

I think parents really need to be on top of this kind of behavior. There's a concept in the mental health field called “learned helplessness” which is very important for parents to understand. This is where kids learn that if they act helpless, eventually someone else will do the job for them.

They learn that if they resist long enough, you'll do the dishes yourself. If they don't answer you when you call them, you'll eventually walk upstairs or take the garbage out. Or if they shut down when you ask them to mow the lawn, you'll still give them $15 when they need it. Bit by bit, your expectations are lowered until you don’t have expectations anymore.

But realize that once you do this, you're only setting your child up for failure. Really, childhood and adolescence is the time in your child’s life when he needs to grow and learn. If you let them off the hook with few responsibilities, they simply won’t gain the skills they need to move on to adulthood. Even though they may feel like they’re getting away with something, they’re actually falling into a trap that will be very hard for them to climb out of later.

Why It’s Healthy to Get Angry in Front of Your Kids
I think from the time your kids are young, you need to encourage them to voice anger or hostility appropriately. You can say, “Just like parents get angry sometimes, it’s okay for kids to get angry, too.” In fact, I think it’s healthy to let your child see you angry—and then see you get over it and resolve the conflict. It’s better for kids to learn by what they see and hear, rather than to simply listen to speeches about how they should behave.

Remember, the idea is not to never get angry as a parent—the idea is to be a good role model for your child by handling your anger appropriately. So when you get angry, handle it like an adult. In my opinion, if you can't handle your anger and simply hold it in all the time—or on the other hand, if you're explosive—your child may not learn how to handle anger effectively, either.

I know it’s popular these days for people to say that you should never get angry in front of your child. In my opinion, children who grow up in homes where parents handle anger effectively will learn to handle it, too. Think of it this way: if you hide your anger as an adult, how is your child going to learn to handle his anger and frustration?

Should I Talk to My Child When He Drags His Feet?
I believe it’s a good idea to sit down and talk with your child when there’s a behavior issue you want to address with him. It’s important to find out if his anger or anxiety is getting in the way, if he understands the assignment he’s procrastinating on, or if he’s having problems at school.

Certainly we want to rule out things like depression, thyroid problems, or other factors that might be contributing to this behavior. If you think there are physiological causes for your child’s behavior, have him assessed by a trained medical professional as soon as possible.

Understand that most kids will drag their feet if they don’t understand their homework or if it looks too big for them. That may be passive resistance, but it's passive resistance because they’re afraid of something or they’re frustrated. I believe that the parenting roles of “Teacher” and “Coach” are vital in this situation, because you want to help your child learn why this is happening, and then coach him to be more organized.

Tips for Helping Your Child When He’s Avoiding Something:

Compartmentalize the Assignment: When your child thinks an assignment or task is too big, you can help him as a parent by teaching him how to compartmentalize tasks. You can say, “Let's get this much done tonight.” Or “Let's get this much of the project done this week.”

A good way to handle this is to ask your child, “How much do you think you can get done tonight? How much do you think you can get done this week?” That way, you're teaching him how to plan. If he comes back with something that's too little, you need to say, “No, I don't think that's enough. I think you're selling yourself short. Why don’t you try to do this much instead?”

If he gives you an amount that sounds too big, just say, “That sounds like an awful lot to me. It may not be realistic, Thomas. Let’s see how much you get done in an hour and then reevaluate it.” So you help him learn how to moderate himself and get organized.

Use Hurdle Help: In the Total Transformation, there’s something I call “Hurdle Help.” This is where you get your child started on something that he’s having a hard time with on his own. So for example, if it’s an English assignment, ask him some questions about what he’s writing about. You might give him a sentence to begin the project. I’m not suggesting you do the assignment for him—rather, you get him over the first hurdle and let him take it from there. All kids need a little boost to get started.

Keep Distractions to a Minimum: Keep the bedroom door open and the music off when your child is doing schoolwork. Check in on him intermittently to make sure he’s actually doing the work. Reduce distractions. If you can't check in on him enough, have him do his work downstairs.

The idea is that your child should understand that he has to perform whether he’s angry or not. I don't care if his anger is carried out in a resistant way or in an aggressive way—he's still responsible for it.

When Kids Use Passive Resistance to be Non-compliant
When kids use passive-aggressive behavior in order to get away with not following through on their responsibilities, I believe you need to be very firm with them. There are definitely things you can do to improve this kind of behavior, but whatever you do, keep your “good enough” parenting skills in place.

You want to have an open mind and be objective. When you’re angry and frustrated by your child’s behavior, remind yourself that he's only your child being annoying—even if he seems like a monster at that moment.

Remember, passive-aggressive behavior is an ineffective coping skill. In order for a child to stop using it, they have to learn an effective coping skill with which to replace it. Coping skills will not be abandoned because they’re ineffective unless a more healthy coping skill is learned to replace it.

Tell Your Child the Consequences of Inaction—and Set Time Limits
Sit down and talk with your child when things are going well. Tell him straight out what you see happening: that he’s not producing enough, striving enough or pushing himself enough. Then tell him what the consequences will be from now on. Inform him that you're going to set time limits on what has to be done, and if he doesn't meet that time limit, then he’s going to lose his phone or computer until it's done.

Certainly it's up to parents to be reasonable about the timeframe. You can even say, “I want the basement cleaned by Monday. And if not, you're losing your phone till it's done.” So you don’t have to give your child tight time frames. I think it’s better to give him choices. But regardless, he needs to be held accountable if he doesn’t get it done within a certain time.

Build in Rewards: You also want to build in rewards for your child for getting things done early. Train your child that there’s a reward for putting in effort and getting the task done early and pushing himself.

So just like there's a reward for kids when they don’t act out, there’s a reward for your child when he doesn’t act in. Meeting his timelines would be one of the goals. For example, if he has all his homework done the night before, finishes breakfast without dawdling, gets ready for school and gets to the bus on time in the morning, he gets a reward. You might let him stay up a half an hour later. In this way, you're training and motivating him to do things on time.

Invite Your Passive-Aggressive Child to Talk about His Anger: If you think your child is being passive-aggressive because he gets angry and can’t voice his feelings, invite him to talk about those things. Just say, “If you're angry about something, it's safe to talk to me.” And I think “safe” is an important word here. Say, “It’s okay if you feel angry or afraid, but continuing this behavior won’t solve the problem. Talk to me. I'll try to hear you. But I expect you to do the work whether you're angry or not.

Being angry is no excuse.” Parents can also train kids by directly stating what you see happening: “I think you're not loading the dishwasher because you're angry that I wouldn't let you stay out last night late. And I want you to know that I understand that—but it's not a justification. You still have to do the dishes. And if they’re not done by eight o’clock, I'm taking the keyboard out of your room.”

Remember, expectations have to remain clear. Whatever happens, your child has to learn how to perform, how to produce, and how to survive in life—that’s all there is to it. Too much excuse-making has come into our culture, and too many people have been allowed to get away with not keeping up with their responsibilities.

You see people at 35 who have had mediocre jobs that they don’t like all their life and they can't get ahead. They have no skills because no one ever made them follow through and do the work. I think that very clearly, the message has to be, “You have to learn to take care of yourself and meet your responsibilities. You're accountable.”

Do we want to be understanding? Yes. Do parents need extra training for kids like this? Often they do. But nonetheless, the responsibility is ultimately on the child to grow up and learn how to live in our society—and on the parents to teach him how to do it.

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Is It Time to Call the Police on Your Child?
Assaultive Behavior, Verbal or Physical Abuse, Drugs and Crime

There are times when your authority as a parent isn’t enough. If your adolescent has escalated to the point of physical abuse and destruction of property—or if he is engaging in risky or dangerous behavior outside the house—you already know you need help.

Calling the police on your child poses a risk that you might not be willing to take, but it’s an option you might want to consider. James Lehman tackles this tough subject in a frank one-on-one interview.

"You should not have to live in fear of your child—and you shouldn't have to live in constant fear of how he will manage in life later on if he’s out of control now."

EP: Many parents feel powerless to stop their out-of-control adolescent’s behavior. They write to EP and say, “My teenage son is bigger than me, and he threatens me physically. I’m afraid of him. What can I do?” James, what would you say to those parents?

James Lehman: To parents who tell me “I’m afraid of my teen,” I say, “I believe you. These kids can be very scary and threatening. But I think if your child doesn't respond to your authority, there's another authority you can call upon if you choose to.”

Kids with behavior problems often make choices that lead to less and less self-control. They'll say and do things which give you the impression that they're out of control, but remember: everything they say and do is a choice. And it's those choices that we need to be concerned about.

Picture your child’s school for a moment—they don't let him assault people, punch holes in the wall or speak in a verbally abusive way to others there. In fact, all the schools I've worked with call the police if a student assaults someone, uses drugs or is destructive. Schools take action because they understand something that parents can lose sight of: kids make the choice to do these things, and as a result, they should be held accountable.

And why do we give somebody a consequence or a reward? To encourage kids to make better choices. If your son can choose to handle his emotions maturely and not curse out his little sister when she's annoying, that's a good choice; we want to reward that.

If on the other hand, he chooses to be verbally abusive to his sister, the consequence you give him holds him accountable for that choice. So whenever we're thinking about steps like calling the police, I think the important thing is to understand that kids make choices—your child made the choice to hit you, take drugs or destroy your neighbor’s property. And I believe you should hold him accountable for that by using whatever appropriate means you have at your disposal.

EP: James, what would you say to parents who aren’t comfortable with taking this action?

JL: I know that many parents are alarmed at the idea of calling the police on their kids. And believe me, I really understand that. You’re getting the law and the government involved in your home. Many people are afraid that if they call the police, they'll lose control of the whole process.

I also think there’s a social stigma attached to it; many parents are embarrassed by what their neighbors will think if they see the police at their house. They also may feel ashamed of themselves; they question themselves and wonder why they can’t handle their own kid.

I want to be very clear here: it's tough for parents to call the police and it's a very personal decision. It’s not for everyone, and if this option does not work for you or your family, then I think you should listen to your gut feeling. I really think everybody has to honor the choice of the parents. After all, you have to live with yourself for a long time. 30 years from now, your child’s teachers and counselors won't remember him, but you will, and you want to act in a way that you won’t regret later.

EP: James, let’s say a parent has decided that they would be willing to take that risk. How do they know when it’s time to call the police? In other words, what behavior would constitute a good reason for taking this action?

JL: I think you call the police when safety is an issue or when the behavior crosses the line and becomes criminal. This includes when things are getting broken and when people are getting threatened or hurt. To be more specific, if your child grabs a book and throws it across the room, I don't think you call the police.

But if he punches holes in the wall or breaks something on purpose, I think you tell him “Next time you lose control like that, I'm going to call the police.” And if he does it again, you follow through.

To put it another way, I think you should consider calling the police when you see a pattern of behavior that's unsafe and threatening to others. Make it clear to your child that “This is the consequence for abusive, destructive or criminal behavior.” And hopefully he will learn from that consequence and make a different choice next time.

I think it’s very black and white. When you have a child who is willing to violate the rules of your household—a child who’s willing to climb out the window and stay out all night, break his sister's iPod, punch holes in the wall or push his father or mother or siblings—you need to take very strong action. Believe me, you have a child who’s really in an awful lot of trouble as a person.

Don't forget, one of the things about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that the trauma comes from feeling like you didn’t have any control over the pain or the stressor. And I think that siblings who grow up with a violent, destructive or explosive brother or sister can be traumatized because they don't know when they’re going to get hit, pushed or verbally abused next. I know from personal experience that many siblings of kids who act out—the brothers and sisters of kids who are assaultive, abusive or destructive—develop PTSD-like symptoms. That's the bottom line.

When I hear from parents in this situation, I think of the terms “domestic violence” and “domestic abuse.” And that's what it is, because somebody in your home is taking advantage of weakness and physically assaulting family members.

I think that's when you have to ask yourself, “What do I have to do keep my family safe here? And what am I going to do to help my child learn that he can't behave this way anymore?” For me, calling the police is part of the equation, because they can exercise greater power than you can over your child.

By the way, if this is a choice you’re willing to make, I think you have to let kids know what you’re planning to do. When things are going well, you can say, “The other night you pushed your mother. If that happens again, I'm calling the police.” It’s important to have that kind of plan in place.

Let’s say you don’t have a plan and you wind up hitting your child in self-defense. You’re the one who will be arrested and penalized. And not only may you wind up in jail, but the courts are going to blame you for all your kid's previous problems.

I think you should tell your child you're planning to do this and I think you have to be very clear. But remember, if you tell him you're planning to do it, you better well do it. If you don't, then it's just another joke; it's just another bluff. And every time that you bluff your child, he will get more contemptuous of your authority—that's just human nature.

But the bottom line is that you should not have to live in fear of your child—and you shouldn’t have to live in constant fear of how he will manage later on in life if he’s out of control now.

EP: What about parents who are worried that their child will be sent to a juvenile detention center; that he’ll have a record that will follow him for the rest of his life?

JL: I think those are legitimate fears. I can't in good conscience tell you those things won't happen, because they do. But in my 25 years of working with the juvenile justice system, I’ve found that the wheels of justice turn very slowly. If the police come, they might write a report, but they can't do anything if you don't want to press charges. And they'll usually encourage you not to press charges the first or second time you call them. Look at it this way: nobody wants to take custody of your son or daughter; nobody wants to take responsibility for your teenager.

Why are you calling the police? You're calling them to give your adolescent a strong message that you're not going to tolerate his behavior and you're not helpless. I think that if the behavior continues, parents should press charges—especially if a parent or another sibling gets hurt.

Press charges, because nobody goes to jail on their first charge; it just doesn't happen that way. Certainly, your child is not going anywhere if he has a family. The state doesn't want to pay for him; they're going to try all kinds of non-institutional resources. Hopefully they'll set you and your child up with counseling.

EP: What if you call the police, but the behavior continues?

JL: If the abusive, destructive or criminal behavior continues, the main thing that you want is for your child to be held accountable on another level. One way the courts do that is by putting your child on probation. Having a probation officer adds another dimension of accountability. Now if your child punches a hole in the wall, not only do you tell him to stop, but you call his probation officer.

When your teen meets with him, the probation officer says, “Your mom told me you punched a hole in the wall. I thought we said you were going to work on that. I thought you promised me you weren't going to do that anymore.” Think of the probation officer as another level of authority.

I've seen probation officers and judges work out plans for kids who are aggressive and violent. They'll put them in "juvie" for a weekend or two. It can be very effective. They don't send the child away forever. After his time is up, they bring him back to court and say, “So what do you think? You think you can stop hurting people?”

If the kid smarts off, they send him back for another weekend. They're trying to teach him to be accountable. Ideally a counselor or therapist points out, “You're not punching any holes in the walls here. What's different is we’re holding you accountable and you know we won’t tolerate your disrespect or abuse. You're making different choices about how you treat people and property. You can punch a wall here, but you're choosing not to. Now let’s figure out how you can make those same choices at home.”

That’s how coping skills are developed by professionals. These punishments and consequences are all designed to teach your child to make different choices; hopefully those choices will be healthy and safe.

EP: What about getting a permanent record?

JL: Parents ask me, “Will my child have a record for the rest of his life?” I'm sure the fact that they’ve been in detention or had a probation officer will be written down somewhere. But if something happens before your child is 16, in most states, that gets sealed when they become adults; there's no access to it and the public can't find out about it.

I understand that parents don’t want their kid to have a record. That's what you have to weigh out and struggle with. Ask yourself, “Is this behavior dangerous enough that it warrants me taking this action?

How dangerous is he, really?” Personally, I'd rather have a child learn to be in control of himself and have a juvenile record than be out of control and have no apparent future.

Many kids blackmail their parents by saying, “If you call the police, I'll get a record.” Or “They’re going to send me to juvie.” They manipulate their parents this way. But I think if the abusive, assaultive, destructive behavior doesn't change, your child is going to have a lot more problems than whether or not he has a juvenile record. Make no bones about it; some day he's going to get an adult record. Out-of-control juvenile behavior becomes criminal behavior the day he turns 18.

EP: Any other reasons to call the police on your child?

JL: Another issue that I think parents have to think about is crime. This would include possession and selling of drugs or stolen property. I think you can say ahead of time, “I can't stop you from using drugs and if you're high, you're high. I can't tell the difference and I'm not going to play detective. But if I find drugs, I'm calling the police.”

If the police come over to your house and find some pot, they're usually not going to arrest your kid. They're going to warn him, because a quarter an ounce of marijuana is nothing to the police. You want to give your child the impression that you're just not going to sit by and let him throw his life away. But again, it's a strictly personal decision.

EP: How can you expect your child to react afterward?

JL: When things are calmed down the next day, your kid is going to be mad at you. He’ll say, “You stabbed me in the back.” He’s going to feel a sense of betrayal, but that's what bullies do. When you stand up to them, they feel like you've betrayed them and that they're the victim.

I think when things are going well, you want to say, “If you make different choices, we never have to call the police again. But if you assault somebody, if you break people's stuff, if you bring drugs into the house, if we feel intimidated by you, or if I'm afraid somebody's going to get hurt, I'm calling the police. And I just want you to know that.”

What your child will learn to say is, “So what, they won't do anything anyway.” But I think you say, “That may be, but I'm still going to keep calling them.” And here's the deal: every time you call, you’re adding to the paper trail on your child. You want to create that so there's clear documentation that he is out of control.

I also think that it's important for parents to follow through on their plans. Say, “Well I don't know if the authorities are going to do anything, but I'm doing something. I'm calling the police.”

EP: James, Is there anything else parents should know?

JL: I think that it's just very difficult to raise a child, especially if they have behavior problems. But it's important for parents to know and remember that these kids make choices. Even when they seem overwhelmed by feelings, they’re making conscious choices—although that's not what they want you to believe. They want you to believe that they were overwhelmed by anger and so they really couldn't control themselves. That's an out-and-out lie.

They're making choices all the time, and I think one way or another they need to be held accountable for those choices. If they don't respond to the level of accountability that they're held to, when they become adults, the game gets very serious and the consequences are severe: you lose jobs; you get arrested for possession; you go to jail for stealing.

Challenging kids who have out-of-control behavior patterns is not for the faint of heart because they strike back forcefully. Every now and then you're faced with a really tough decision. Hopefully you have knowledgeable people to talk to and access to learning tools. In any case, it's a tough job being a parent and there's not a lot of community support for that role nowadays.

Again, calling the police is one of the options parents should seriously consider, but it's not the only option. And if parents take that off the table, for whatever reason, that's perfectly sound judgment. Many, many parents choose not to exercise that option, and I support them.

That being said, calling the police should be something people consider, and either reject or accept. Remember, you have the same right to protection from crime in your home as you do out of your home. It's not as if the law is different. We should have the same expectations of our children.

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Are You Embarrassed by Your Child's Behavior? 5 Ways to Cope

When you have a child who acts out, throws tantrums or is disrespectful, their embarrassing behavior can make you want to curl up into a little ball and hide. Here, James Lehman, MSW gives you some tips on how to cope—and how to teach your child the skills he needs.

Many parents struggle with embarrassment when their kids act out. Often, this feeling is an emotional reaction to some imagined condemnation or judgment, not something that is actually occurring.

If your child is screaming in the mall and another parent looks at you, you may feel like they’re judging you or thinking that you’re a bad parent, and you might be embarrassed. But let’s be honest, the only way to really tell what they’re thinking is if they turn to you and say, “You are a terrible parent.”

For all you know, they might be saying to themselves, “My gosh, I remember when my son did that”; or “Boy, I’m glad I’m not going through that anymore with my daughter.” This brings me to the first rule about feeling embarrassed by your child’s behavior:

Ask yourself, “What does my child need from me right now?” I think this is the most important question a parent can ask when their child is having a hard time.

1. You are Not a Mind-reader.
When your child is acting out and you’re feeling judged by others, I think you have to stop and say to yourself, “I can’t read other people’s minds.” The truth is that if you try to imagine what others are thinking, 95 percent of the time, you’re going to read something negative there.

That’s because whenever we’re negative, we interpret other people's perceptions of us as negative. Let me put it another way: in these situations we don’t read people’s minds in search of hope. We read them in search of condemnation—especially when something is going wrong. So when you feel yourself trying to guess what your neighbor, your mother-in-law, or your friends are thinking, just tell yourself, “I’m not a mind-reader, I don’t know what they’re thinking.”

Stop the tape that’s playing in your head and move on. This is also part of the process of learning how to talk to yourself in a way that promotes calmness, rather than panic.

2. Focus on the behavior at hand: It’s Not All about You—It’s about Your Child.
Remember, if your child is having a hard time, as the popular saying goes, “It’s not all about you.” Whether you’re embarrassed, afraid, irritated or angry at something your child has done, you have to stay focused on what he needs from you in that moment. Not what somebody else thinks.

So ask yourself, “What does my child need from me right now?” I think this is the most important question a parent can ask when their child is having a hard time.

Keep the focus on your child and try not to get distracted. When kids act out in any way, one of the things they’re telling you is that they need some help. As a parent, you know your child best, so don’t be afraid to give them what they need. Sometimes your child needs attention.

At other times, your child needs to be taken away from a stimulating environment, or have limits set. And at other times, your child just needs reassurance. Whatever it may be, focus on what your child needs; do not focus on reading other people’s minds and trying to figure out what they’re thinking of you.

3. Don’t Justify Yourself or Make Excuses.
Try not to justify yourself and make excuses when your child acts out or behaves inappropriately. Instead, make directive statements. Let’s say you’re at a party, and your child gets angry and starts yelling when you ask him to go sit down. Don’t invite people to offer their opinions or criticism.

I think you can cut them off at the pass by saying something like, “I’m sorry, my son needs me right now”; or “This is his way of letting me know that he needs me.” When you say it that way, you’re not defending yourself against anything; you’re really just making clear, positive statements.

4. Instead of Responding to the Feeling of Embarrassment, Have a Plan.
If you have a plan in place for when your child acts out, you’re going to feel less embarrassed and more in control. Let’s say your family is going to a neighborhood barbecue.

Before you leave, take your child aside and say, “Remember, if you swear at me, yell or are rude, we’re going to go home and you’re going to get a consequence for that behavior.” Your child says he understands, but even with this procedure spelled out, he starts yelling and curses at you in front of the other guests when you ask him to wash up.

First of all, understand that this experience is still going to be embarrassing. You can’t take away your feelings; you can only teach your child how to act more appropriately by setting firm limits and following through on them.

Look at it this way: you can learn judo and self-defense and carry mace, but when you go into that parking lot at night, you’re still going to feel afraid. So know that you can’t take away those feelings of embarrassment when your child acts inappropriately—but you can have a plan in place that teaches him how to behave better the next time it happens.

By the way, in this situation, again don’t justify yourself or your actions—just leave. Tell the host, “Listen, I’ll call you later,” and go home. Don’t start making excuses and blaming yourself. As I said before, I don’t want you on the defensive, explaining your decisions to people. It’s none of their business unless your child did something to them. Show the host that you’re dealing with it, and tell them that you’ll be in touch later.

Instead of asking other people for forgiveness for your child’s inappropriate behavior—because that’s what we want to do when we’re embarrassed—give your child what he needs and don’t over-explain your actions. You might have an urge to apologize for your child’s behavior problems, but don’t do it. It’s not healthy for you. Instead, you can call the host of the party later and say, “You know, I’m really sorry my son did that, but we’re dealing with it.”

Keep the focus of the interaction between you and your child, and on what he needs from you, not on what the other adults around you need. What your child requires in this case is some direct, immediate attention. The more you’re able to respond in these situations and follow through consistently, the more you’ll strengthen the parts of you that can defend your psyche against criticism.

After your child has acted out, when you’re driving home from the party, the mall, or the school function, you should not be replaying what you imagine everyone thought about your child’s behavior in your head. Parents will often drive home saying, “Oh man, they looked at me like I was an idiot.

They’re going to talk about me at school; he knows my cousin.” But I think you need to forget about that; you can’t replay those feelings because it will only make them worse. I think that we have to be careful of these negative thoughts because they block us from being able to focus on our kids. A helpful thing to say to yourself is, “I can’t change the past, but I’m doing what I can about the problem now.” Say that to yourself a few times and hopefully it will help you focus on the task at hand.

5. Use “Avoid” and “Escape” as Short-term Strategies
When planning ahead for situations or outings where your child has acted out in the past, the strategies known as "Avoid" and "Escape" can be very helpful. This means you should "Avoid" people, stimulation and situations for which your child has not yet developed coping skills, and "Escape" situations in which your child’s coping skills break down.

As parents of kids with behavior problems, we should have two primary goals: the first is to get to bed tonight without a crisis. The second is to help our child learn long–term coping and problem-solving sills. The “Avoid” and “Escape” strategies deal with the first goal. We avoid situations our child is not ready for; we escape situations in which his skills get overwhelmed. Don’t confuse this with teaching your child coping skills.

If your child can’t cope with the stimulation of a supermarket, you should avoid it for the time being, but you will have to come up with a way to teach him how to deal with the stimulation of shopping eventually.

The same goes for Escape. If you’re at the mall, escaping that situation is a great short term response to a tantrum or screaming match, but over the long term, your child will need to learn coping skills to deal with that environment and how to deal in an appropriate way in those situations.

The Avoid and Escape strategies can help you in the following way. Imagine that you and your child are going to a party and you’re not sure if you should avoid it. Now imagine that you have an escape plan concerning how to handle the situation in case things start to break down. This will help considerably with any feelings of embarrassment you may have, because you’ll be in control of the situation.

Remember, the main thing is to give your child what he needs in that moment and to be in control. Once you have that tool in your belt, you’ll spend less time reading other people’s minds and more time focusing on helping your child.

If you are in this situation with your child, I want you to realize that you can’t avoid your feelings, but you can manage situations in a way where those feelings won’t control you anymore. To put it succinctly, it’s not about controlling your feelings—it’s about managing the situation effectively.

James Lehman was a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James held a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Blended Family? The 5 Secrets of Effective Stepparenting

Parenting is never easy, but when you have a blended family—with bio-kids and stepkids, your spouse’s ex, and other extended family members thrown into the mix—things can get very difficult very quickly.

We receive questions every week in Empowering Parents from readers who ask: “How can I discipline my stepkids effectively and get their respect? No matter what I do, they just won’t listen to me.” Carri and Gordon Taylor, nationally recognized experts on creating thriving stepfamilies, have answers that have worked for countless stepparents.

"The steprelationship is the barometer of how (or if) the family is coming together—and the child is the one who will determine that because you can't make anyone like you."

It can be extremely hard to find the right balance when you’re a stepparent. Many adults try to blend their families with high expectations: they may think it will be similar to their first marriage in terms of time spent with their spouse and the attention they’ll be able to give the relationship. Unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

We like to say that first marriages are “apples,” and second marriages are “oranges”: you can’t compare the two, because while a first marriage is all about your new partner, a subsequent marriage revolves around the kids—and making sure that everyone has a place in the family.

In working with stepfamilies over the years, we’ve found if the parents try to rush it or “force new family,” it’s not going to work out well. And here's the tough part for adults: the steprelationship is the barometer of how (or if) the family is coming together—and the child is the one who will determine that, because you can’t make anyone like you.

It’s important to realize that everyone's role shifts when you create a stepfamily. In fact, when you first bring everyone together, all the kids will try to figure out where—or even if—they belong in the new system. If they don’t believe they have a place—or if they think someone is taking their place—they’ll often act out.

We’ve come up with five tried-and-true “secrets” that helped us after we created our own stepfamily. We’ve also used them to help thousands of other couples successfully blend theirs. (Read to the end for the “bonus secret” that we think every stepparent should know!)

Secret Number 1: Defer to the Bio-Parent

Surprised? It’s true. As a stepparent, it’s important to defer to the bio-parent. Even though this might go against everything you expected, the steprelationship needs time to develop. It’s important not to be the heavy, but you can't disappear either.

Maintaining your presence and at the same time supporting the bio-parent is difficult, but will be productive. The irony is that when you relax and support the bio-parent, the relationship with your stepchild will form faster.

You’re the good cop; let the bio-parent be the bad cop. If there’s a behavior for which your stepchild needs a consequence, let your spouse deal with it and support their decision. The good cop finds out the interests of the stepchild and develops the relationship by getting involved in the child’s life based on those discoveries.

Secret Number 2: Don't Compete with Your Counterpart

Don’t compete with your counterpart; rather, uphold them. In other words, don't try to be a better mom than your stepkids’ bio-mom, or a better dad than their bio-dad. No matter what you think of the bio-parent’s style of discipline (or lack thereof) it’s important to respect and acknowledge the strength of the biological connection. This can be difficult to do when your new spouse is still at war with his or her ex, and possibly still fighting over the kids and other issues.

Many stepmoms decide they’re going to make up for all the hurt and pain. Many stepfathers have an attitude of “I’m going to shape up this platoon and lead the troops out of the wilderness.” But as somebody once said, “If the stepdad is leading and no one is following, he’s just out for a walk.”

We encourage stepparents to establish a relationship with their stepkids rather than being a dictator or rigid authoritarian. Simply be present in the child’s life and avoid “fixing things” or competing with the bio-parent.

Secret Number 3: Discover Your Stepchild's Interests

Discover the things your stepson or stepdaughter likes. Start off as you would with any friendship: find some common ground and do things together that you might both enjoy. Remember, you’re just there to build a relationship appropriately, not to parent or take the place of your stepchild’s mother or father.

Come in as a friend or a benevolent aunt or uncle; in other words, choose a role other than “parent” in order to foster the relationship.

Secret Number 4: Get Out of the Way

Let your spouse have one-on-one time with his or her kids—without you. This helps reduce the displacement and loss the child might be feeling, and assures him that he hasn’t been displaced by somebody else.

This flies in the face of the myth of “instant family.” In our own stepfamily, we always encouraged each other to go off for the weekend or do special things with our bio-kids solo, and it helped everyone immeasurably. In all blended families, this reassures the children that they still belong and haven’t lost the love of their bio-parent to the new spouse.

One of the most common complaints of biological parents is that they believe they're caught in the middle. We often hear, “I love my spouse and I love my children, but I feel like I’m being pulled apart.” Many stepparents get all sick and nervous if their spouse is still spending time with his or her kids and not including them. Our advice to them is, “Well, if you plan to be in this marriage awhile, don't worry about it—you'll get your turn.” In the meantime, this relieves the bio-parent and releases them to enjoy their children— and lets the stepkids know you’re not there to take their parent away.

Secret Number 5: Act Lovingly Even If You Don't Like Your Stepkids

We hear this all the time: “I feel guilty because I don’t love my stepkids.” The reality is that you may never love them as your own—or even like them. And remember, you can’t make your stepkids like you, either! You are the “intruder.” In their minds, you’ve displaced them.

But even if you don’t like them, you can learn to act lovingly toward them. Love is an action; so behave in a loving manner toward your stepkids. It may surprise you down the road; as the relationship develops, love just may develop!

It’s important to realize that because of the pain kids experience after divorce—and continue to feel with a remarriage—they may act out. They may not have the skills to talk it out and express what’s really going on inside.

Many couples will come in for counseling and in essence say, “Fix these kids.” Yet the kids aren’t broken—the family is. So we ask the adults if they are willing to acknowledge the pain and brokenness that they created. If the couple is able to gain the skills to listen and understand what the child is going through, over time, the kids will usually respond productively.

Bonus Secret: Find Something Right

Find something good about your stepkids. Instead of focusing on the negative or complaining about them, find something positive to say to your spouse. That gets your husband or wife out of the middle, and puts you in a more positive frame of mind about the kids.

Here’s the analogy we like to use with the stepparents we see: The stepfamily relationship is a “baby relationship”: it’s brand new and very weak.

In essence, it's like you’re trying to pull a Mack truck with a piece of string. And if you pull too hard or discipline too rigidly, you'll just pop the string. So take the time to develop the relationship, making the string into a cord, the cord into a rope, and the rope into a chain.

The chain you end up with some day will be strong enough to take all the pushes and pulls of normal relationships. (And by the way, we are talking about years—not days, weeks, or months!)

We understand that these “5 Secrets of Effective Stepparenting” are not always easy to follow, but over the years, we've seen fabulous things happen in stepfamilies when they do it right. And it's happened in our own family—we’ve been able to develop some wonderful relationships with our stepkids by sticking to these principles.

Just remember that it takes a lot of time, perseverance, maturity, commitment and patience on the part of all the adults involved.

Carri and Gordon Taylor are nationally-recognized experts on blending families successfully. They began their stepfamily journey in 1986, when Gordon brought three sons to the marriage and Carri brought two daughters. Gordon is a practicing licensed marriage and family therapist, and Carri is a certified communications skills trainer and personal coach. They have 10 grandchildren and live in Edmond, Oklahoma, where they speak for church groups, businesses, and conferences.